Renewed Awareness

"Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions" Natasha Bedingfield

In just the last couple of years I have become more conscious of the seasons of the earth and life along with listening to my own rhythm as well as that of the world. This fall season has brought renewed awareness of my feminine self. (On the surface it feels "new", however, my soul tells me it is more of an awakening thus the need to use the word "renewed.)

I have also spoken of my connection with the sun as well as dream work and collage. For a few weeks now I have been thinking of a poem I wrote last fall during my first experience of working with collage. Today I revisited that poem and noticed that the "season" was nearly an identical time frame to this year's "work."

Coincidence? Synchronicity? The rhythms of life? Who can say, all I know is that something powerful is at work!

Here is my poem from last fall:

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Feminine World

I am the pain of the world, covered with blue scarves & white.
I am the beauty of the world, bare-shouldered with upswept hair.
I am the fire of the world, burning with desire and hope.
I am the joy of the world, reaching toward the heavens.

I am the beauty of the world, bare-shouldered with upswept hair.
I am the luscious berry, bursting with flavor.
I am the joy of the world, reaching toward the heavens.
I am the soul of the world, centered through pain, beauty, touch and taste.

I am the luscious berry.
I am the fire of the world.
I am the soul of the world.
I am the pain of the world, covered with blue scarves & white.

photo by maryjane hughlett

Apatheia or Apathy?

Yesterday Tess at Anchors and Masts wrote a post in response to my recent writings about “The Battle”--here and here. Her perspective caught me a bit off guard as she interpreted that I was speaking of internal battle. My recent experience, however, has felt more like one coming from outside of me rather than the inner battle with which I am quite familiar. (Her post gives a great picture of why and how we often choose to “backslide”…and I do believe it is a choice—conscious or not…so I highly recommend popping over there for a read.)

A very perceptive friend sent me these words which articulate well where I feel I have been recently:

“It sounds like you suffer from the classic case of ‘a threat to evil’ disease! It normally seems to come after a tremendously blessed event where souls are set free from ‘disease’ and you are involved in that healing process. It’s as though all their diseases ball up and pounce on You.!”

I have definitely felt “pounced upon”, so this leaves me wondering if
there is a difference between when we are standing in the gap or battling for others and/or trying to stand firm (i.e. not backslide) for ourselves?

And then there is this new question of “How much attention should we pay to evil?” Gerald May in his book Will and Spirit says: “when encountering an evil inclination or a questionable force, the most ideal form of spiritual assertiveness is: the best response is no response.” He goes on to mention the term apatheia which the Desert Fathers recommended to prevent showing fascination and undue self-importance to the “questionable force.” Apatheia is a term from Stoic philosophy that means something quite different and far more interesting than apathy (mental laziness). It is a conscious not-caring about things that are unworthy of concern.

So, how much concern toward evil is too much? I kind of like this idea of a “conscious not-caring”. It feels much stronger than denial or apathy.

For today, I think I will leave it at that for I have little more time or space to continue. Please understand, however, it’s not that I don’t care ☺. What do you think?

photo by h3images

Consider this...

"Do you suppose that if a wound goes real deep, the healing of it might hurt as bad as what caused it?"

~~Percy in The Spitfire Grill

Self Portrait

Dreams and collage are filling much space in my sleeping and waking hours. This self-portrait created itself on Saturday. For today I shall just share the image. I'd love to know what it evokes in you. I am discovering it has multiple, ever-changing layers of meaning for me! Kind of like life I guess ☺. Happy Monday!

The Barnacles Grow

The barnacles grow on the shimmering rock. The rock is me—
shimmering golden me. The sun. The color of warmth, joy, happiness.

Still the barnacles grow, threatening to cover my sheen—but is it there beneath-- just like the diamonds that gleam in the darkness.

My truth stands firm and will not recede no matter what covers it.

The rocky path—tilting stones—no smooth way for me.
Still I proceed. Still I grow. Still I reach for the sun.

Green—the color of hope and new life—peppers my path.
Smooth stones, sharp ones, flat and tilting.
The mud and sand threaten to pull me under, but still I persevere.

Hope is all around.
Truth lies deep inside. Glimmering with each turn of the sun.

The barnacles grow. They are beautiful in their own right--enhancing the beauty like scars and wrinkles.
My body is weary. My dreams speak of darkness and light.
My essence. My ego. Embracing each.
They are connected like the barnacles to the stone.

Hope lies all around. Seeing things in black and white.
Good and bad. Truth and lie. They cannot be separated.
One cannot survive without knowledge of the other.

Slipping into the mud. I can freak out, panic, worry that I must stay there.
Or I can rejoice in the moment, find the humor and laugh with glee.
“Here we go again.” The silly ego. The beautiful essence.

The battle of my dreams and waking hours.
Black and white. Good and evil.
Still the barnacles grow on the shimmering rock.

photo by lucy 10.25.07