but...

I never cease to be amazed at how we are always moving toward ourselves. How can we be “moving toward ourselves”, you might ask. Aren’t we already us? Yes, of course, and I believe, No, absolutely not. In Christian terms, one could say that the journey is becoming more like Christ. Does that make more sense? My point this morning is not to have a theological discussion, but rather to comment on the journey and how so many seemingly small things begin to come together and, if we are paying attention, there comes a point in time when they begin to converge and we can see the larger picture. It is kind of like taking varying pieces of paper in collage work and while the individual scraps don’t look like anything significant, when you stand back and behold a larger more significant image has been constructed out of the scraps.

Take for example the tiny scrap of a word, “but”. For me it has become a significant part of how I choose to articulate myself (more accurately it is the absence of those three little letters--b-u-t--from my vocabulary.) Several years ago my family was participating in some group work and the facilitator suggested that often when we use the word ‘but’, it seemingly negates everything that comes before it. For example, "I love you, BUT you really make me mad." The receiver of those words very likely only hears the second part. What if, however, you were to say, I love you AND you really make me mad? It’s both! See?

My next progression in this particular awakening came when I was in graduate school and I was introduced to the concept of both/and. It took awhile to sink in that this was in contrast with either/or. By working on my personal issues and having the privilege of facilitating dozens of people through their own work, I have been astounded by how ingrained we are with being good or bad and right or wrong. This way of thinking often clouds things so much that we simply can’t see what IS. Does it have to be one or the other? Perhaps it is neither and perhaps it is both. Usually it just IS.

For the purposes of this discussion , I refer back to my recent post which speaks of my paradoxical nature. ("I know God and God knows me AND I must continue to press on to see who God is and who I am.") Which leads me back to where I started here with the amazement at always moving toward ourselves. It’s the journey. Can you see it?

For quite some time now I have been drawn to the concept of paradox. Such as, how can I KNOW God and still be searching to find out who God is? It is both/and…that’s how ☺. So, a couple of weeks ago when I was at my birth chart reading and near the end, the astrologer said, “It is a good chart. It is a hard chart. Everything is BOTH.” I had to smile and say, “Of course” for in that moment I got to understand my personal journey just a bit more clearly. To me it brought more light onto my aversion to using the word “but”, my being drawn to the concept of “both/and” and my continued fascination and need to live with the idea of paradox. My life is good. It is hard. It is both!

Now the cool thing for me is that while I knew all of these ponderings have been stirring around inside me, it was through two comments on my last entry that today's post came into existence.

Tess wrote, “What really struck me about this post was your use of the word AND. "...fully engaged... AND I cherish my solitude." You didn't use the word 'but'... Perhaps part of your work is to continue showing others by your example that deep and enduring balance in life is a creative thing.”

And from Maureen: “entirely 'unique to you' words and thoughts AND words that speak to the searching longing discovering journey of so many of us...given that God desires us to know ourselves that we might know God i clap my hands loudly celebrating your questions and the answers you seek..i want to know more”

I was struck by Tess’ encouragement to share the example of “deep and enduring balance”. I must admit that terrifies me just a bit, AND something about it resonated deeply with my paradoxical nature ☺. We’ll see what happens. Also, Maureen’s connection to the journey and questions invites me to “want to know more” and share more.

So, what do you think? But? Both/and? Paradox? Moving toward ourselves? The floor is open...

lucy's chicks from the bermuda botanical gardens 6.08

what is my work?

Much of my ponderings these days is around “what is my work?” What am I called here to do? “Here” being the world of my space and time. I am uniquely created just as each of us is. A few weeks ago I had my first birth chart reading done by an astrologist. (I can almost here the audible gasps from some of my more conservative readers ☺, but I hope you will hang in here with me. This is part of my unique journey…to test, to ponder, to find my own path by pushing the boundaries of convention and be able to proudly say, “Sorry if you disagree, but this is Me. Take me or leave me”. Again...I hope you will choose to stay.)

As I write this morning, I realize this is why I have not stepped into this territory. It feels like there is so much to be covered…explained even…because I still live with so much desire of not wanting to be misunderstood (particularly by those I love.) And so it feels as though this post will take a slight turn from where I started with my ponderings of “what is my work?”

The birth chart reading was not done by Madame X in a heavily veiled, candle lit room with a crystal ball. It was instead done in a bland office park by an average looking middle-aged man with a theology degree from Notre Dame and a masters in marriage and family therapy from Seattle Pacific University. I had scheduled my appointment only two days before, otherwise, I might have been suspicious he had hired a group of detectives to research my background to come up with the information he related to me.

It was both confirming and a little freaky as he spoke key words that I have used for my life and other phrases that resonated deeply with me. It was like reading or hearing a passage of scripture and having it speak deeply to my heart. Abbey of the Arts had an excellent post last week on “Landscapes, Maps and Pilgrimages”. She articulates beautifully my experience as she speaks of her own birth chart reading:

“I accepted for the fun of it but was surprised by the complexity and beauty of what the reading offered to me in terms of understanding my own longings and the directions I felt called to go. Suddenly I imagined a God vast enough to have offered these archetypal symbols to me at the moment of my birth as one possible map, as guidance from one much wiser than myself. Astrology is not about your life being pre-determined, but a template that provides an invitation to go to the places that nurture your soul most deeply. “

And so I circle back around to the longings of my heart and the directions I may choose to go. My life is abundantly paradoxical. For example, I desire to live life fully engaged with the world AND I cherish my solitude. I have cried rivers of tears and am willing to enter the darkness of my soul AND I am one of the most joy-filled people I know ☺. I know God and God knows me AND I must continue to press on to see who God is and who I am. I need to share my gifts with the world AND I am called to rest and be still.

And those words are just the tip of the iceberg ☺. So, if you have hung in here with me through this longer-than-normal post, thank you. I shall end with a few words from my morning ponderings with more thoughts left for another day.

what is my work?
what can I do?
how do I create a picture of a thousand words?
how do I put onto paper what no one before me has done?
how do I what?
bless this space—my hearth—my home
how do I live here? now?
being present to the life I have
feeling my home. tending my hearth.
bless this space.
this place of beauty.

Blessings to you and your space today. I would love to know what this post has stirred in you.

lucy's photos from bermuda

mornings by the sea

"morning is a time of promise and possibility spread out in the day before us." --Christine Valters Paintner

one of my favorite "companions" during my week away was this lovely zine by Christine Paintner, "season by the sea: a contemporary book of hours." it is lovely in both verse and image. i hope you will choose to support Christine's work and give yourself a special treat by ordering your own copy here.

day break

day spread out before me like the fresh sand upon the beach
no footprints yet to mark this day
night time clearly gone

the golden orb fully taking her place in the sky
spreading outward
at the center almost too brilliant to observe
then…broadening, widening, turning softer
layers of color…ringing, moving, spreading

watching me
capturing me
being me
who am I to be?
who will I be in this day?

am I the one who plays in the surf and dives from the cliffs
laughing and roaring with the thrill of the risk,
the freedom,
the joy?

or will I be the one who silently,
thoughtfully ponders the art
through the halls of life’s museum?

I want it all!!!

photos by lucy 6.27.08

diary of a day

• cafe latte in bed
• light breakfast with friends & dogs
• walk to the beach
• stroll
• swim in the sea
• walk to the house
• swim in the pool
• shower outside
• lunch
• read
• nap on the veranda with cool island breeze
• read
• nap
• read
• play with water color paints alongside new friend
• dress for dinner
• outdoor dining at "rustico" fabulous!!
• conversation
• late night game with the teens
• finish book
• sleep

ahhhhhhh...just another day in paradise...