Indifference

I am indifferent. At least that is what I have been labeled. So, let me ask you this: do indifferent people experience anger and hurt? Do they spend days or weeks (or months or years) considering how to fix someone else’s hurt even though they know it is an impossible task? Do they awaken feeling unrested from a nighttime of grief? Do they consider ceasing to do what they love most to pacify someone else’s needs? Do they measure their words and weigh the cost of speaking from their heart? Do they think about little else than the one who has been hurt by their "indifference"?

How does one adequately respond to such a claim? It feels like a huge bind, because to say, “No, I’m not” appears to dismiss the importance of the feelings of the other. It also feels like justifying or trying to excuse the indifference that did not exist in the first place. And, to not respond only seems to indicate or prove that indifference does exist.

I am tired. I am exhausted from years of challenging relationships. It appears, however, that if I am not meeting the expectations of someone else (even unspoken and/or unknown expectations) then I am indifferent. I am tired. I am angry. I am hurt. Is that what you call indifferent? If so, then that’s me.

Gardening for God

Whenever I hear someone make the statement, “There is no proof that God exists,” I am immediately drawn to the image of a newborn babe. Particularly from a mother’s point of view (someone who has carried a little bundle inside her body for nine months), I cannot fathom how someone could believe that birth “just happens.”

As my children have grown older and I fortunately am not yet to the grandparent stage, my point of reference has shifted to images of the garden. As I sit outside after a good day of digging, mulching and pruning, I am in awe of the glory that surrounds me. While I am proud of my own handiwork that is not to what I refer.

There is so much rhythm in the garden even during this time of quiet. Bees work busily to re-pollinate the catmint I trimmed yesterday. A tiny spider spins a minute web between two flower stems. An ink black crow slowly strolls across the green grass looking for an afternoon snack. My golden dog sniffs with nose in air and ears pricked high for smells and sounds I cannot fathom. The water in my fountain gently trickles in the background and I find myself renewed, refreshed and grateful to be alive.

My muscles are tired, my hair needs a shampoo and my limbs are slightly more tan than they were a few days ago. The garden glows in the afternoon sun. How can one imagine that all these things “just happen”? It has become clear to me this spring that when I am frustrated with the world around me all I need do is walk out my door and witness the abundance that awaits me in the garden.

A gentle breeze blows an “Amen” in response.

Reminder to Self: Read this on days when you are grumpy and the skies are gray. Written on 6/18/2007, but still applicable today.

photo by lucy

me, a heroine?

Take the Quiz here!

You are Elizabeth Bennet of Pride & Prejudice! You are intelligent, witty, and tremendously attractive. You have a good head on your shoulders, and oftentimes find yourself the lone beacon of reason in a sea of ridiculousness. You take great pleasure in many things. You are proficient in nearly all of them, though you will never own it. Lest you seem too perfect, you have a tendency toward prejudgement that serves you very ill indeed.

cover to cover

"...if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, (God's) purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same." from The Shack

I can't remember the last time I read a book cover to cover in a single day, but that is exactly what I did today. The book? The Shack.

While I had heard popular buzz about it around the internet and seen it in a couple of bookstores, I found myself steering clear of it for some reason. (I like to do things my way, don't ya know?) Speaking yesterday with a friend, she mentioned how she has "been off of Christian fiction" for quite some time. I agreed. Oddly, it did not dawn on me that sitting under the seat of my scooter was this book which I had just purchased at the local book store. Hmmm.

And so today I opened up the pages around 9:00 a.m. and finished it off sometime around 5 (with a few minor diversions throughout the day). It will take me awhile to process and possibly another read, but I found it to be a very compelling story and the depictions of the Trinity resonated deeply with me. My reading recommendation: Two thumbs up!!!

I am a little brain dead right now, so there will be no book review today. However, I am curious to know whether you have read the book, heard of it, steered clear or now recommend it to all of your friends. I would love to hear what you have to say once you do read it...cause I know you want to now ☺. Cheers!

so who's the kid here? part 2

Reading the replies to yesterday’s post, I viscerally recoiled when I read Tess’ words, “I do not like the feel of sun on my skin.” Oh horror of horrors!!! How can that possibly be? It is so hard for someone living in this Northwest climate (where even the seconds of the day when the gray lifts momentarily have been named “sun breaks”) to imagine!!! Not like the feel of the sun? Impossible!!! (Now Tess knows I love her dearly and she is equally appalled when I complain about the downside of winter, so no worries that she will be offended I have drawn her ghastly comment into the forefront ☺)

Yesterday afternoon I sat on my deck in the sunshine; cool breeze blowing over me; surrounded by blooming flowers—some freshly planted and others older than time; the sky amazingly blue and clear above me; book in hand; cool drink by my side; old dog happily sniffing the breeze; and the main thought that ran through my head (at least the one I remember today ☺) is “I love the feel of the sun on my skin.” For a few gentle moments I reveled in it and just let myself be.

And then I heard the warnings: Skin cancer. Aging. SPF. And my recent favorite, a quote from the Gilmore Girls…“You know-- "convertible people"—too tan. Bad hair.” Yikes! Can’t be having any of that!! So, I got up out of my chair, put on a little more sunscreen, filled my glass of water one more time, considered getting my hat or moving into the shade, but…in that moment life was all too perfect.

I was warmed by the sun deep into my very soul. I was once again the young girl whose grandmother called her “Little Brown Bear”. I could sense the joy of a child and feel the tickle of sprinklers and the splash of the ocean. Not much better than that in my book.

So, who’s the kid here? ME. No doubt about it ☺ !!!

'bermuda waves' by lucy
'my little girl' by h3images