Daily Mosaic

The morning began with a thoughtful reading and a pondering of the line: We are each small stones rolling toward the other to create one vast mosaic.* Oh, it sounded so lovely and connected in the moment. Next I engaged in my morning meditation led by the lovely Susan Piver who ended our time together with these words: May you have a day of unspeakable clarity. Ah, stones creating a mosaic... unspeakable clarity... I was set for the day... and then I opened my email.

Greeting me I found a sweet response from a dear friend, the usual spam and inspirational messages, and a note from CreateSpace letting me know that my Kindle-ready format of As I Lay Pondering was ready for preview. Yay! The long-awaited version I had enlisted the professionals to help create. Ready. Set. Drum roll, please. Open file... Gasp. No. Say it isn’t so. Ugh. Boo. Hiss. It looks like an illiterate chimpanzee designed the tablet. (My apologies to the chimpanzee.) Seriously? This is what I jumped through hoops to enroll in, paid good money for, and waited WEEKS to receive? It is no better than the free test copy I uploaded myself before I decided to turn it over to the “experts.” What ever was I thinking? My next question was what were they thinking? – (although I said it in slightly more professional terms.)

Their response: “I am sorry to hear that your Kindle Edition is not appearing as you expected.” Seriously? Whatever... Next came rote instructions about how they would be getting back to me along with details of how to contact a person immediately. Trying to stay calm, I followed their instructions verbatim and pressed the button that said, “Call us.” Pressing. No response. Pressing again. Still no response. My beautiful day's mosaic was swiftly turning into a jumbled mess. My “unspeakable clarity” was raging in words I dare not put into print. Name calling. A vicarious temper tantrum. Even an out loud bellow in the car on my way to the dentist. Yes, the dentist. A banner day all around.

What was I thinking? Stones rolling toward the other to create one vast mosaic? It feels like a boulder is pressing in on me at top speed and I will soon be flattened like a character in an old school cartoon. My inner dialogue begins... Breathe. Shut up. Breathe. I hate breathing. Relax. Don’t want to. Turn your ugly thoughts around. I don’t wanna! Meditation? Boo hiss. Peace and contentment? Give it to someone else. Knock out the Kindle-version myself? I’d rather knock out the Kindle creator right now!

Several hours elapsed... still no response from Kindle... The day only got more ludicrous, but I will spare you the details for now. Please know, however, I resorted to drastic measures and indulged in sugar cookies (which I did savor) and a tad bit of (necessary) retail therapy in order to move forward. To heck with Polly Positive... Some days a girl just needs to vent!

Chuckle chuckle... as I imagine my readers gasping that my positive outlook has been displaced by a computer glitch. You mean you get upset? I can hear them saying. I had no idea you set up expectations and then got disappointed. Are you kidding? All the time! And then the dialogue begins again between my inner sage and petulant child. Practice. Maybe. Keep rolling. I’ll try. Pondering? It might be worth a go. Vent and rage? Absolutely.

Today's mosaic lesson? Being fully human may just comprise the best stones for unspeakable clarity. Hmmmm. Now what to do about those Kindle people?

*from As I Lay Pondering, "Mosaic"

photos from Casa Battlo, Barcelona

MY NEW BOOK: As I Lay Pondering: daily invitations to live a transformed life by Kayce S. Hughlett. Available here and at Amazon.com. Get your copy today!!

BE Yourself

“Simply the thing that I am shall make me live.” William Shakespeare

This morning I’ve been pondering how much I miss interacting with the blogging community on a regular basis. Alongside this musing, come reflections on the level of inspiration its writers and readers have provided me over the years. I’ve visited the blogosphere on a less regular basis in past months—the catalyst being my blog reader disintegrating alongside other activities and life events. In deep and indelible ways, however, blogging stays with me through the words and thoughts I’ve breathed in over the years. It never really leaves, even when I feign absence. I have deeply missed the daily, evocative conversation with people around the world. It’s very different (and less-fulfilling) than quick Facebook status updates or super-fast Tweets (which I'm still resisting).

With the beginning of 2012, I find myself in a space that feels very different from years past. My pathway seems less clear or defined, and my soul is generously content with the lack of definition. At the launch of each new year, I choose a word as a gentle guide and focus for the coming months. The word that chose me this year is BE.

While BE is a word that’s shown up in numerous previous ways, it was nonetheless the one that kept bubbling to the top of my awareness as year’s end approached. It’s a provocative word and one that’s easily accessorized with other descriptors: Be yourself; Be present; Be still... It is proving to be an interesting challenge and something to be noted on a moment-by-moment basis. Lately I have been somewhat obsessed with the fruition of a long-time dream... the publication of my new book, As I Lay Pondering. I am wordless at how this experience is impacting me, and realize the extreme need to simply BE in it.

There are so many things to be done, learned and experienced in this unveiling. It is not only revealing my words and thoughts to the world, but also offering a whole new way for me to BE.. and even that statement leaves me wordless.

So what can I say? What do I know? Well... What I know this moment—right now—is that I am eternally grateful for the community that has followed and supported this blog (and me) for the past several years. Without you, As I Lay Pondering would not exist. Without you, it would be more difficult for me to BE myself. Thank you for coming to this space where I can simply be me. My hope always is that you leave here feeling a little more you. ☺

Pondering... 30 in 30 - Day 26

Enough



When do you know enough is enough? It’s a colossal dilemma for most Westerners. We set ridiculously high standards according to an elusive “they” who rattles around inside our heads. It’s a gigantic setup for failure, because “they” are never satisfied and continually remind us there are additional things to do, further places to visit, and masses of people to feed, clothe and save. Reaching for enough is overwhelming when listening to the unrelenting chatter. I know if I wait until everything is done in order to declare myself gratified, I’m setting myself up for an arduous and dissatisfying journey.



Stepping back I ponder how to choose satisfaction over discontent and abundance over scarcity. What will be enough today? For me, enough arrives at the precise moment I personally and individually declare it so. Enough doesn’t cater to others. Anything becomes enough when I affirm it and believe it, if only for a moment. For example, consuming food isn’t about cleaning my plate and overeating because “they” told me that’s what I should do. Rather, it’s about nourishing my body until I am physically satisfied – no more or less. In yoga class, the teacher tells us the hard part is over once we’ve showed up. I get to choose whether or not I agree. Witnessing the end of the original Rocky movie, it’s hard to determine who officially won, because each fighter had his own standard for winning. When we try to complete or compete with someone else’s conditions of enough, it’s nearly impossible to achieve triumph.



When do I know enough is enough – for me? Designing standards comes from subjective thought just like any other, so why not set ones I can achieve and appreciate? I could stop mid-sentence and declare this piece enough, or I could set a goal of 500 pages for the day and feel dissatisfied every minute because it’s impossible to achieve. Personally, success feels much better than failure and tends to be infinitely more motivating. In the example here, my balance probably lies somewhere between mid-sentence and a tome, but the point is I get to choose my own enough.



Dedicated to Kanesha - I finally declared this post "enough"!



Diamonds in the Soul - helping high-functioning, under-living people recover and nourish personal delight & joy in life.

Pondering... 30 in 30 - Day 21

The Listener



Here I sit on my lava throne - balanced and true. A pointed edge tweaks my right buttock as the shadow of my hand follows me across the page. Tendrils of freshly washed hair, curl and mix with dark and light. Turquoise blue caresses my body and my skin glows with the exuberance of fresh air and sunshine. My soul has been wrapped too long in the cocoon of winter gray. The element of air beckons to be acknowledged. Earth and stone cradle my body. The heat of sun warms my skin as hungry eyes feast on the gift of water. Lily pads and water bugs dance lightly across the surface reminding me of play and rest. Waterfalls feed the pond offering the gift of movement that wards off stagnation similar to that of air within a home closed up too long.



A statue mirrors my body from across the lawn. She, too, is an artist. Her form forever captured in bronze patina. Here we sit together - woman of flesh and bone - muse immobile and bronze. We both glisten in the golden light and tune our ears toward heaven. My name today is gratitude. She has been dubbed, "The Listener".

Pondering... 30 in 30 - Day 19

Roadblocks



I simply adore how often roadblocks can lead to the most fantastic adventures. Arriving in Taos a day early for a writing retreat, my friend and I dropped our new acquaintance, Patience, off at the Pueblo outside of town. Patience is a warm and delightful woman who is mother earth embodied. With flowing hair of spun silver and eyes the color of an ocean, she resonates with a peace that is grounded and pure. She is filled with wisdom and openly shares, but does not force or press her opinions. She is a woman who offers grace and invites it in return. Thus our predestined roadblock was one that would not willingly be ignored in service to this precious soul.



It was nearing the appointed time to retrieve Patience from the Pueblo where she'd been wandering for hours in the blazing desert sun. Departing the cafe, we were appalled to learn that the road toward our friend was closed for the afternoon to celebrate a fiesta. Tenacious and indefatigable women (but nonetheless in unfamiliar territory), we began to weave our way through backroads, hoping to find a way north. Happening upon a local officer, we were told Patience would simply have to wait. My guess is the officer swiftly and accurately read our eyes as he realized this was an unacceptable answer. Within moments our patron, the officer, had imbued us with a super secret escape route map for the city. What ensued was a wonderful adventure through backroads and vistas we never would have seen without the imposing roadblock. Dear Patience, of course, lived up to her name and was grateful to have friends who would not be deterred by a little bump in the road.



So, how do you perceive roadblocks in the road of your life? Do you turn away, give up, push through or find delight in the adventure? Today, I invite you to ponder this.





Diamonds in the Soul - helping high-functioning, under-living people recover and nourish personal delight & joy in life.