Impact on the Soul - Coronavirus

by Kayce Stevens Hughlett

Spiritual implications of spreading fear and disease 

On the off chance there is something in here that might resonate with or help you, I’m sharing this unedited conversation I had in my journal about the spiritual impact of fear generated by the onslaught of news about the coronavirus. Bear in mind, that I’m not usually a news hound or fear monger, however, I woke up this day and found myself scrolling the newsfeed and googling stories first thing. It was a great reminder why I typically begin my day with a few minutes of meditation and envisioning sending love and light into the world. Why I choose love over fear. 

Warning: Explicit Language. I apologize, but my inner fear monger is quite profane. 

Journal entry: March 4, 2020 Seattle, Washington

Is this how fear finally wins? Ultimately “gets” us? Clips my wings? Takes away our freedom? A f*cking virus?!?!? Fear is seeping in like a sneeze uncovered, a rogue cough, a fever gone unchecked. 

Check yourself, Kayce. Not your temperature, but your heart. Is this how you want to live? Waking up and immediately scanning the news for pandemic spread? Worrying if you should go to the grocery store? Visioning wiping down every surface you touch inside your own home? Waiting more than two weeks for an Amazon delivery of baby wipes? 

Fear. Goddamn, motherf*cking fear. It seeps in unannounced and this time it’s arrived in the form of the Coronavirus. A great unknown. Why is it so damned scary?

I’m the good girl gone risk taker, right? Heck. I bought my first international tickets to London at the beginning of the 2003 invasion into Iraq. I’ve sat across from Luxembourg gardens (sipping a pot of gin in china tea cups) while tear gas rolled down the boulevard. I’ve photographed remote Ethiopian tribesmen holding AK-47s. I’ve written about the day in Lalibella I thought I might die. I’ve come through the deaths of parents, the addiction and heartbreak of children. I’ve been in earthquakes and grew up with tornadoes, so why this? Why now is this unseen, invisible, simple as the common cold …

No! The fear of this will not take me down… or will it? Here I sit wondering if it’s safe to drive to the grocery story or go to yoga? Are “they” there? The carriers? The germs? “The” virus? WTF? 

What am I so afraid of? Dying? I don’t really think so. Death is a grand adventure of its own. (Insert: And no, I’m not ready to go. I plan on sticking around a long time.) I’m afraid of being grounded, isolated … of never feeling an elephant’s velvet mouth wrapped around my hand again. Ah… but that feeling is there, just like the heron is at Greenlake, the lotus blossoms and waterfalls in Bali, the desert goats and sunsets, Lalibella, hummingbirds, Ios and Australia. The beach with a million shells, sand between my toes, the textures and sounds. Chiang May lanterns, the heat and beauty and absurdity of it all. It is all still here inside me.

I turn my journal page and this quote greets me.

“When we maintain our energy, radiance, and health, we can help those who come into our presence.” Sandra Ingerman 

There “it” is. The radiance of love. Love of place, connection, heart. 

Destruction is not a virus that takes us down with fever and cough. Destruction is the mind f*ck that separates and isolates us from the things we love.

Yes, I’m afraid to not see the places in the world I love, those I’ve already seen as well as those not yet. I want to see India again, to step foot on the Camino del Santiago, to drive across the Nullarbor, to stand beneath the Northern Lights with my arms spread wide. But/and I can already feel those places in my soul. They aren’t Instagrammable moments captured for show. These are deep soul moments like now. 

NOW when I feel the expanse of my heart reaching out through the world. Metta. Lovingkindness. May we be well. May we be safe from inner and outer dangers. May we be free from suffering. May we be at ease and happy. May we be filled with lovingkindness.

I was in Australia while it was burning for god’s sake … and the sense of place was amazing. I let the ocean and the open road, the kangaroos and cockatoos, hold me. Woo me. Wrap me in awe of something Greater.

Fear removes us from that connection. The connection from awe and wonder. And when I have no awe and wonder in my life that is when I’ll truly die. Not if or when a virus constricts my lungs or a bus runs over me or I fall asleep with my last breath. When fear takes over and I cease to experience wonder, curiosity, awe, and love, that is the greatest death. That is win fear wins. 

I assure you I plan to go down fighting for beauty and love. Will you? 

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“Hughlett finds her voice in the most unexpected places—amidst the grief of life’s challenges, in letting go, in strengthening through presence.” Pixie Lighthorse,  Prayers of Honoring Grief