Anyone There?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010 at 8:06 AM 
Themes of birth, awakening and mothers float through my mind. Vivid dreams invade my night and wake me like a whisper from my sleep. I roll over, turn off the alarm and sink into that space where dreamland meets dawn. The space between past, present and future cannot be delineated and my earliest memory drifts into now. I am older than one and younger than two. Standing in my crib with an earnest look on my face, I am not crying or distressed. I appear to be reaching, perhaps not with my arms, but only with my eyes. Anyone there? My eyes stretch into the room beyond the recesses of my barred bed and beckon, Anyone there?
Isn't that the question I still ask today? In times of lament, I turn to the ancient lie I tell myself. I am not important. I will always be alone. Was no one there? Sharing my 10 year old brother's room, I wonder if he resented my presence from the beginning. I recall the black eye my mother received when she bumped the door jamb during a nightly visit to me. Would she return again?
So odd, these memories. So very interesting. Anyone there is what I continue to ask today. Will you read my work? Hold my hand? Laugh at my jokes? Kiss my lips? Notice my hair? Anyone there? Are you paying attention? Do you see me? Is it possible I still carry the look of a one year old standing in her crib - reaching and searching for connection. Anyone there?
What are the questions you ask yourself or the lies you whisper when past & present merge?
photo - Paris
Reader Comments (10)
First of all, yes I'm here!
The lies I tell myself usually revolve around being stupid. That little girl, her daddy thought she was pretty, but she doesn't remember anyone saying she was clever. She was very self-conscious and did silly things. She hated it when people laughed at her.
So poignant--so relevant for us all--the eternal question. The eternal yearning. Does anyone care...that's a big one for me...a variation, perhaps, but still at core the same--is anyone there? Can we be if we are not seen?
"I wonder if he resented my presence" No! There were five of us living in a two bedroom house. I don't recall there being any room for resentment. To me there seemed to be just enough room for everyone.
Yes, I too have wondered if anyone "is there." Does anyone care if I am here. When the wondering became so troublesome that I was losing the drive to live, we called it "depression." Fortunately, the person who cares the most provided a figurative "dope slap." She said to me, and I believe, "I'm here and it makes a difference to me if you are here."
I am struck by your post, possibly because I never imagined that you felt this way. I do. But you?
On the other hand, when it comes to Birthing the Holy, I think in a strange way I am meant to birth love for me and acceptance of me. Stopping self-deprecation and befriending my fears...
Not changing who I am to become who I wish I were, but loving myself as Godde loves me, warts, sins, stains et al.
Your sister in waiting.
oh tess - i love seeing your smiling face... and i don't know about that little girl, but i know the big girl is super smart and tres chic. i would never laugh AT you, but really look forward to the time i can laugh WITH you again - preferably while doing silly things :) xoxoxo
karen - i believe trees falling in the forest make big sounds - perhaps even say 'OUCH' when people aren't around, so i definitely believe we can BE even (perhaps especially) when no one else is looking. nevertheless, it's such a gift to know others are paying attention, huh?
geezer - yep, it's very important to have others let us know we matter... and equally as important (methinks), is to know it for ourselves!!
long time no see. thrilled to have you here!!!! xoxoxoox
oh my, claire, we're all partial to a little shadow side - wouldn't be human without it :)
i love what you are birthing for this advent season and i'm delighted to have you along as a fellow "sister in waiting."
Lucy,
Such interesting responses your post has provoked:) It seems to me as I read through them and think of my own times of insecurity that it's just not enough for mw/us to be reassured by our loved ones, we need assurance in the WAY we envision it should come - I, for one, blind at times because the praise or support did not arrive in the "package" I wanted it to be in. When will I grow to understand I AM loved and I DESERVE the love that I am given by my friends and by my beloved family? For my friends and for my family, yes, I'm out here with arms wide open to those who will enter them:)
xoxox
i'm so grateful we slogged through the muck of our expectations to find that love does indeed come wrapped in many forms of "packages". yes, you ARE loved and DESERVE that love. i hope you can feel my arms wrapping around you even when i'm not there. i hope the rest of my family and friends can feel it too :) xoxooxo