I Thought I Was Okay

by Kayce Stevens Hughlett

I thought I was okay,

that I’d been training for this,

that silence and limited companionship were

my friends, my allies, my homies.

All true. All fragile.

All tilting on their axis.

A blue velvet funk with nap wearing thin.

I do not own a basket large enough to carry

the both/and of these times.

I’m not sure the vessel that is my body has

the capacity either—

perhaps that’s why we hear about

expanding waistlines and pounds gained.

We need more capacity to hold the

contrasts and weight of now.

The sky is bluer than we’ve seen in decades,

and rests alongside our own muddy blues.

Birdsong clear and strong, sweetly chatters

in disharmony to my rattled and rankled brain.

Deep rest is thwarted by nightdreams

working through problems that can’t be solved.

I thought I was okay,

my capacity for joy and sorrow large.

I’ve been stretched before but never like this.

My thoughts tie knots around themselves.

Grandmother Spider weaves her glistening web,

then reaches out and snatches her unsuspecting prey.

And then I look up and notice

the garden colors,

so vibrant and alive I nearly weep.

Witness to life unphased and nearly forgotten.

Now’s contrast is too much to bear.

I thought I was okay,

but I need a sign that all shall be well.

I need to know the freedom of unmasked breath

and deep embrace of kindred souls.

I need to dream a dreamless sleep and

wake up refreshed.

I need to put down my weary pen and weep.  

~~~

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