Simple Day

FOR TODAY November 16, 2009
prompted by The Simple Woman's Daybook

Outside my window the rain continues to steadily fall. Night time is upon us even though it's only mid-afternoon.

I am thinking how I would love to get in my pajamas right now and curl up with a good book.

I am thankful for the graciousness in the world around me.

From the kitchen - fresh chicken soup and cornbread muffins to warm the damp, wet bones of my family.

I am wearing BROWN - head to toe (except for some crazy-colored stripes on my socks.)

I am creating an activity for my spirituality class at the Recovery Cafe and gathering images for my SoulCollage® workshop this Friday night.

I am going to my memoir writing group tonight. My piece, "Ordinary Life," is up for review.

I am reading Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer (vampires and werewolves for a dark fall night!)

I am hoping there is minimal traffic on the way to Bellevue.

I am hearing rain, rain, rain.

Around the house all is quiet.

One of my favorite things is snuggling with my curious cat who keeps me warm and cozy in the midst of darkness.

A few plans for the rest of the week: a schedule full of clients, yoga, therapy, group facilitation, and a new workshop.

My picture thought is Aslan - Lucy's faithful friend.

Sacred Sunday

Still. Numb. Quiet.
I absorb the light.
Shadow of hand upon paper,
Music of monks drifting through air,
greeting me from centuries past.
Am I alone, or surrounded by saints –
a cloud of witnesses to guide and protect?

Am I alone – or is every hurt of every generation
wrapped inside my body?
Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

The pen is heavy, but I cannot release it –
Running out of ink, I pause and pick up another –
Another sorrow? Another pen?
Trading – sorrows & shame.
Am I allowed? Are they welcomed?
Does the Cross exist?

Created in the image of Creator,
Can I write a new story – or
will it always be a continuation of the old?
There is no escaping –
the sorrows run deep,
but what of the joy?

Am I alone – or is the joy of every generation
wrapped inside my body?
Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

It is a massive excavation for the
spark lies deep within –
Covered with graves of sorrow and pain –
still the seed is there.
It is Eden before shame
before the covering layered on,
Layer upon heavy layer.

The mustard seed of hope is eternally there –
Waiting to take root.
Waiting for me, alone, to release it.
No one else can write this story –
Or live it –
Or tell it –
Or feel it.

Am I alone – or is every feeling of every generation
wrapped inside my body?
Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

glendolough celtic cross ©lucy
remembrance of soil ceremony ©lucy

Sacred Sunday: I will not be Silenced

I want to feel safe on the page. Really, I want to feel safe everywhere. Don’t you? I have not felt particularly safe lately. I have so much I want to voice, and still I hesitate. I long to be seen and understood for who I am. I wonder if that is an impossible task to ask. I know it really is, especially since I am the one who knows myself the best and there are still many doors of unopened rooms in my life. Nonetheless, I long for safety, understanding and a strong voice.

Lately, I have been highly aware that people often choose to see others through their limited experience and have little curiosity towards a fuller view. But I am who I am because of ALL my experiences. I can be totally present to a single person because of all the others who have gone before. I can know his/her abandonment, because I have been abandoned. I will fight to stay, because I was left. I will hold, because I was not held. I seek clarity, because I have been misunderstood. I choose to see, because I was not seen.

My heart shares joy, because it is full and it has been emptied. I know a whole range of emotions and whether I like it or not they become real through experience, instead of staying abstract. My heart knows deep roots. I seek this alongside others, because I seek it for myself. I offer care, because I know the importance of self-care. I also know its absence. I know the pain of sorrow and what it is like to sob until I cannot breathe – to pound a chest and wail a primal scream until the wind has left my lungs and only sorrow remains.

I know the freedom of belly-laughing until snot runs out my nose and burns my nostrils making me cry “ouch” and then I roll over and laugh some more. I know the freedom of music filling my body and lifting me off the ground. I also know the weight of paralysis because the voice of my timid fool speaks loudest and commands me to stay where I am even when I yearn to dance.

I am perfectly equipped to listen and because of my humanity, I am equally equipped to fail. But I am strong and tenacious and I will get up again and again, because failure has not worked for me. It has instead taught me to be stronger. It is only a failure if I choose to stay down and let “it” win. I can choose to transform my failures – my weaknesses – my hurts. Failure wins if I choose to silence myself. Today I say, “NO, I will not be silenced.” Not in this moment – hopefully not ever.

On this sacred day, I wonder where are the places you long to feel safe? What is the voice that keeps you from living fully? How will you choose to speak? Perhaps in the smallest prayer, that says “Help!” Perhaps by taking the first step onto the dance floor of your longings. I hope you will join with me today and say for yourself, “No, I will not be silenced!”

Weekend & Workshop Update

“When we care, we feel the bite of both success and failure deep in our bones.” Sam M. Intrator & Megan Scribner

This past weekend was a wild one. My birthday was on Friday and I must say it was an absolutely glorious day. The weather was perfectly stunning and everything fell into place with little surprises along the way.

Saturday was the “dress rehearsal” for my newly created workshop/day retreat. As you may know, I have been so excited I could hardly stand it and have been creating with wild abandon and praying for the women who would participate, as well as myself. Little did I know how participatory I would be.

No matter how many times I do facilitation, I always seem to forget how impacted I will personally be. I mean, I KNOW I will be impacted and still, some little part of me puts it out of my mind. I think it's a safety valve of my own internal making since the impact of which I speak often comes in the form of shadow work - those little things that hide in the shadows – both the sides of us we wish would come to the surface more often and also those pesky ones we would like to keep their opinions to themselves. This time, the painful shadows reared their ugly heads telling me: "I am not good enough – never good enough," etc. etc.

It has taken me almost 48 hours to come to the conclusion that the “dress rehearsal” was a huge success. It went just as it should with areas of perfection, wonder and grace coupled with clunky spots that are rough around the edges and need fine-tuning. When things were clicking, I could totally feel it, and when the timing was off or the participants seemed less engaged, I was aware of that too. The evaluations were quite reflective of my own experience, so I have to wonder why I felt so naked and exposed when everything wasn’t absolutely “perfect.” I went in saying to myself, “It will not be helpful if they don’t offer good feedback.” I wanted honest and realistic input. I want to grow. I want to improve. That’s why I offered a “rehearsal” in the first place….AND that’s where the beginning quote hit me hard with realization when I read it last night.

It was NOT just a rehearsal to me. The women were real and their experience mattered to me as much as I hope it mattered to them. I CARE about what I do and in large part what I DO is who I AM. Not in the “I am defined by my work” kind of way, but in the way that says, “my work is my PASSION and my passion is ME.” So, I feel both perceived success and failure deeply.

It all rolls around in there together and gets a little messy, so yesterday I let myself feel what I needed to feel. I couldn’t muster up the words to say what I knew others wanted to hear (i.e. "It was great!!") I did a lot of writing to process and as I was sorting through my supplies, images began to stand out to me to create my own collage. The end result speaks to me of intertwined shadow and light, the balance of caring for myself while caring for others, the nakedness of putting myself out there and a few dozen other things ☺. (I would have posted it here, but my scanner decided to go on strike.)

Over time, I soaked up the places of the workshop that need refinement. I slept. I read. I pouted. And today, I woke up and re-read the evaluations which expressed, in addition to the places for improvement, many thank yous and comments like this:

The experience was
“playful…restful…personally challenging.”
“enjoyable and special to be with friends and explore who I am in a creative way.”
“I had SO much fun with me today ☺ ☺ ☺”
“What a gift to the world of yourself!”

And so I smile and consider the process that has run its course in the last 48 hours: exhaustion and excitement, pouting and playfulness, rejoicing and refinement, creativity and criticism. I have paid attention to my own emotions, and realize I am probably right where I need to be. I was an active participant in my own workshop. ☺

It was definitely a learning experience filled with beautiful moments, smiling faces, soaring hearts and places of imperfection. Oh, and IT WAS GREAT!!

What I did on my Summer Vacation...

“Transitions of the past have opened the doors to my future.”

My last post contained the above words and my pondering over the last few days has led me to see how true the sentiment rings. Last spring, it felt like doors were closing every day. A significant change was leaving the job I held for three years at the graduate school where I completed my own masters degree. I adored that work, but knew it was time to move on. With that closing, I could not be certain of what might open ahead.

Over the course of the spring and summer, I found my facilitation time with Soltura slowing down and feeling like the intensive focus of the past three years was taking on a new shape, and that season of my life was shifting too.

In many ways my summer was spent grieving those losses and also learning how each of them has been a gift preparing me for the future. During my "summer vacation", my dreams began to manifest in tangible ways. Not satisfied with my private practice office, I let myself dream about new space. I wanted something spacious with a welcoming atmosphere. I preferred to be able to walk or easily take the bus. On August 1, I launched my “new and improved” practice in a wonderful yoga studio just blocks from my home. A new website, Diamonds in the Soul, followed. Business cards were designed and ordered. And the creating continued. More doors began to open.

This week, I am offering a complimentary preview workshop to several women who might not otherwise be able to attend. It is a blend of expressive arts, experiential therapy and spiritual direction. The space is full with eight women (and an overflow list, too ☺.) I am so excited I can hardly stand it! I have been reading like crazy, taking notes, gathering music, selecting images for collage, making lists of supplies, choosing poems and refining what I will have time to share in our few short hours.

The follow-up (or official workshop) will be held on October 3 at St. Placid Priory near Lacey, Washington. Reservations are being accepted now and I would love to have you join me! Check it out here and let me know if you are interested.

Another door is shared with the lovely Christine of Abbey of the Arts. We will again be offering a supervision group for compassionate listeners. Our initial group for 2009-2010 has filled and we have had inquiries about offering a second group, this one entitled Soul Care Supervision (Click on the link to check it out.) If you are anywhere near Seattle and are interested, let us know. (A participant drove from Vancouver B.C. last year and vowed it was worth the drive!)

One of the additional fruits of my supervision work with Christine is that I am going to be officially published as co-author of the chapter on using the arts in spiritual direction supervision in the upcoming book she and Betsey Beckman have written. It will be available in February of 2010. How exciting is that?!??!

As you can see, my creativity and exuberance are over-flowing. Who would have guessed where those closing doors would lead? My summer vacation was indeed dream-packed! And I haven’t even mentioned my upcoming Soul Collage Facilitator training or my pilgrimage to Ireland ☺. Stay tuned for further details.

My party of the heart continues as I learn how to give and receive my gifts in love. I invite you to share in the excitement with me. Please let me know if any of the upcoming events are of interest to you. And by all means, let me know what doors are opening (or closing) for you as we say good-bye to summer.

Peace.

images taken on my summer vacation - location - the cloisters, nyc