Live Your Eulogy NOW!
Wednesday, April 22, 2015 at 6:00 AM by Kayce Stevens Hughlett
I'm traveling this month (fueling my creativity and strolling my soul) and am taking the opportunity to repurpose and highlight some of my favorite posts. This one originally appeared at a beautiful website called, Midlife Midwife Project. It was a thought-provoking piece for me to write and one that encompasses my belief that we are here on earth to live our lives fully and when we do that we are called to give back to others. One of the greatest compliments I can receive from any reader is that it made them think. I hope you both enjoy this piece and that it inspires you to think about your own story and ponder what you want to share with the world!
Midlife seems to be the period of life where we have just enough knowledge, courage, and time to ponder the magnitude and simplicity of our lives. It’s also the time where we are able to grasp what is essential and who we might dare to be with our remaining 30 or 40 years.
I am a ponderer. The role has probably been with me all my life, but the title came when I reached my middle years. As I’ve been pondering this article for Midlife Midwife, my mother’s presence keeps showing up, bringing reminders of her life and how it compares and contrasts with my own.
By the time my mother was my age, she had been a widow for nearly five years. She was also a grandmother several times over and her three children were spread across the country. I’m not sure if she owned a passport yet, but I know her travels outside the U.S. were limited. Her views on life and people were equally small.
When she died twenty-five years later from Alzheimer’s, my siblings and I gathered with the minister to discuss her eulogy. What did she like to do? What were her favorite things? How did she spend her days? I’m not sure about my siblings, but when the pastor asked those questions my mind drew a blank.
Mother and meThis blank breaks my heart as I think about my mother. It raises a million questions about the woman who raised me and her life. What were her dreams? Did her love of bridge and an occasional Saturday night dance fulfill her passions? On the outside, her life seemed solid with her healthy kids, leisure time, and a paid off mortgage. Inside? I have to wonder.
My mother’s austere character had a profound impact on my early life and I’ve spent the past dozen years or so making peace with her and myself. I didn’t understand how angry and grim I actually was until my own life imploded in my forties and I became a poster child for the sandwich generation. I discovered myself firmly stuck between my mother drifting away into Alzheimer’s oblivion and my young son pushing dangerous limits in every waking moment.
The story is epic and rather gnarly at times. It’s also commonplace and simple with extraordinary moments of beauty and grace. My hunch is you have your own version. Life. Tragedy. Choice. Goodness. Life. Tragedy. Choice. More goodness. More hard stuff. We live it every day.
Pondering my mother’s eulogy helped me consider how mine might read if I were to die today. It’s a rather sobering thought to think of summing up a life in 500 words or less. Perhaps mine would go something like this:
Kayce Stevens Hughlett was a bright light who championed whole-hearted living for herself and others in the world. She vowed to stand boldly for this belief, always taking into account the courage and heartache it required to move forward. Her path to boldness and clarity did not come easily, but it was the most meaningful journey she ever embarked upon.
The youngest of three children, Kayce was labeled ‘the shy one’ and lost her voice almost before it began. Raised in a culture where women were subservient to everyone and ‘be nice’ was code for ‘keep your thoughts to yourself,’ she had few role models for living boldly. Those of you who know her today, might scratch your head and wonder, “How could that be true?”
At forty-five, her carefully constructed life came crashing to a halt when her young son became addicted to drugs and her mother started to slip into the haze of Alzheimer’s. Kayce had two choices: 1) keep the status quo she’d been taught and pretend everything was perfectly fine, or 2) take a different path, step out of hiding, and fully embrace the life she’d been given. Kayce chose the latter.
She got her first passport in the midst of the chaos and took her 10-year old daughter to London. Some would say she was running away; others, that she was following her dreams. Nevertheless, her world began to expand. Soon, thereafter, she enrolled in graduate school where her love of writing, art, and the inner story of people’s lives was awakened. Somewhere along this path, she began to love herself, too.
Kayce loved her family, of course, but homemaking and unconditional love didn’t come naturally to her. She stepped into marriage and parenthood unprepared, as most of us do, but she was tenacious and stood by her loved ones through thick and thin. She came to embrace life by being thrown in headfirst. She learned to swim while virulent waves crashed over her. She was a fighter who taught others (and herself) not only to survive, but to thrive in the midst of storms.
In her middle years, she realized her greatest fear was that she would die never having embraced her own life. Instead of running from this fear or letting it paralyze her, she explored her past demons, made peace where she could, and embraced what the present moment had to offer. Those close to her knew she still struggled with insecurity and possibly a few regrets, but she chose a different path and vowed that if she went out NOW, she would die having given it her very best shot. The list of things she loved could fill volumes, but a few favorites include writing, laughter, snuggling with her cat, strolling through the streets of Paris and Seattle, and most recently holding her beautiful granddaughter, Violet Grace.
Kayce Stevens Hughlett was a woman who lived life on her terms and embraced all it had to offer – the beautiful, the simple, the gnarly. Her love was big and her voice strong, and she is immensely grateful these words follow her into her next journey.
Gratitude. Midlife has brought me this gift. And now dear reader, I offer this invitation for you… Live life, beginning today, on your terms with abundance, grace, and joy.
Midlife was my true starting point for living and I firmly believe as long as we have breath in our bodies, it’s never too late to make a new choice.
Remember, you’re living your eulogy right now. Who will you dare to be?
Reader Comments (3)
Fabulous! I personally am very grateful you learned to soar!! :)
I have always been grateful to have every version of YOU in my life, but am blessed beyond measure that our friendship has thrived long enough to know the YOU that you have captured so eloquently with this blog. Viva la Vida, amiga mia!
Pizza Games: best-all Pizza Games online. Pizza Cooking Games, Pizza Babie Games, Pizza Baby Games, Frozen Pizza Games... Go PizzaGames.name and play online game now