On Shoulds, Nevers, & Bully Buddhist Nuns

by Kayce Stevens Hughlett

This post was inspired by a prompt at my weekly writing group. Join me while I go down the rabbit trail of my mind. And no judgments, pretty please. 

Let me just say, I hate the word should. I dislike all of its connotations and the fact that when using it someone is usually telling another person how to behave, think, or act. I believe most adults can figure that out for themselves.

Okay… how about this? People should never say should. How does that sound? It’s still a should, only this time in double form. You should never. Ick. I’ve lost my appetite for that—you know, telling people what they should or shouldn’t do. Nothing about it feels good or kind or transformational. It feels judgmental.  And I dislike judgments almost as much as I dislike shoulds... maybe even more. 

Let’s try that one on:

People should never be judgmental.  Hmm. That might be okay, but when I consider expounding on that topic, I feel the judgment creeping in and I start to become the very thing I’ve just said people should not do. I become judgmental.

I think when someone says, “people should never,” they forget that they themselves are people. We seem to do it all the time. We forget all the ways we are alike. We forget we're human, stumbling our way through life kind of like me through this blog post.

But… I can’t seem to forget one rather disturbing situation my friend, Sharon Richards shared with me. She went to a meditation event recently and came up against the ugly face of judgment. The event was advertised as ‘Open to All. Beginners Welcome.’ She walked away feeling criticized and in no way welcomed. Sharon is one of the most open, carefree, and welcoming people I know. She’s okay with being a beginner and experiencing discomfort. I've never heard her judge anyone. I was sad to hear her new adventure was a disappointment. 

The most disturbing part of her story, however, is that the leader of the open-to-all-beginners-welcome meditation class was a Buddhist nun who turned out to be a judgmental bully. Beginners were criticized and only those “in the know” were wholeheartedly welcomed. Isn't that sad and disappointing?

Ah… here’s a should I could get behind: Bully Buddhist nuns should never say they are open and welcoming. To me, that’s just false advertising... something we should never do. 

How do you feel about shoulds? Or nevers? Or Bullies? 

Try your own writing exercise. Start with "People should never..." and see where you go. 

Come back on Wednesday for our next Live it to Give it Interview with Sharon Richards.

Comments

[wdh]

awesome wisdom for a monday morning...for any morning!

[Jean]

Hi Kaycee, What an interesting topic. First off, I am sorry your friend Sharon had a bad experience with a Buddhist nun. I have known several Buddhist monastic people and they are human like the rest of us. Some of them are mature, loving people and some of them are just plain nuts. Or bullies. I have noticed that we Americans can think that a Buddhist teacher is going to be kind and enlightened. Your friend's experience points to need to be discerning about whose hands you put yourself into when you start a spiritual practice. I don't know if your friend is in Seattle, but if she is, there are many wonderful centers where she will have a welcoming experience. I don't think it's judgmental to notice that this nun isn't meeting the standard of conduct you would expect. I think very high standards should (!) be in order for this situation. I am hoping that someone is able to help his nun see the harm in her own behavior and counsel her without judging her. Or remove her from her Intro to Meditation duties until she works that difficult karma out for herself. And the false advertising? The meditation center your friend went to might be interested to know about it. They can't fix it if they don't realize it's happening. :)