Being TAO... or Honoring the Lump
Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 10:58 AM 
self-portraitEarlier this week I was in the midst of a brainstorming session with a friend when she mentioned an exercise she wanted to use in an upcoming retreat. She suggested the participants focus on their bodies and allow an image to arise in their minds. Before she could even finish her thought, a word popped into my head. LUMP... quickly followed by "Ick, I don't want to be a lump." My unsuspecting friend (not realizing an image had already formed in my mind) began to lead us in the exercise - relax, breathe, take another deep breath, now allow an image to arise. STAR, "Whew, that's better!" But who was I fooling? Is "star" more valid than "lump" just because I want it to be so? What was I making "lump" mean? Alas, I tucked it aside and focused on what it felt like to be a 5-point star, because shiny seemed greatly preferable to its lumpy counterpart.
Fast forward a couple of days and the image of the lump returned... proof that wishing for a star doesn't always make it so. My rational mind tried to convince me that I am in no way a lump. Indeed I am a brilliant shining star. The maddening conversation continued. What was this resistance to the lump? As the days wore on, it became evident that I might need some assistance deciphering my lumpiness.
In my coach training program, we were taught the power and wisdom of being transparent, authentic, and open (TAO). It was the primary attribute that drew me to the program. My life desire is to help others be TAO just as I myself continue to practice alongside them. But here comes the rub, it's danged hard to be TAO all of the time - especially when doing so bumps up against all those messages that say we've got to be perfect, have things figured out, not make mistakes... (My hunch is you may be familiar with this drill).
© bill hughlett @ h3images.comOver the weekend I decided to share my lumpiness with another coach and dig in a little deeper. I chose one of my favorite people alongside a fabulous modality for when I'm feeling stuck - the walk-and-talk. So, I put on my trusty sneakers, headed toward Puget Sound while plugging in my headphones and dialing my buddy's number. After several minutes of unloading (and power walking), I arrived at my favorite ocean overlook. Zeroing in on the scene before me while continuing our conversation, my attention began to focus on a tug boat pulling a heavy barge. Wham! The truth was right in front of me... Right now I am a sturdy tug pulling a lumpy load, trudging along with a barge-full of "should's" and "have to's." It's a heavy weight and I need to get rid of excess stuff that's pulling me down in order to soar like the wind rather than trudge along with steam pouring out of my head.
Bottom line - I don't feel very star-like right now. I am depleted and have no extra reserves to pour into any excess. Ironically, I'm scheduled to teach my very favorite class, Live it to Give it, beginning October 1 which is all about soul nourishment and self-care. And here's the loudest message I tell my students, You can't give what you don't have!! If I were to force this class right now (i.e. be the tug and keep trudging away), I would be operating in counter balance to what I so passionately believe which is this:
Take care of yourself and the BEST will follow.
"Tugging" would be a disservice to both the participants and myself, because we all deserve the very best! So, I'm putting my trust in my principles and postponing the class until November 5 (which feels much brighter in my body). It's a risk to pull back which I understand, but I prefer to be TAO and live what I teach rather than fake being all shiny while the lump is begging to be acknowledged. For now, I'm choosing to sink into my own self-care, let the sparkly stuff fade a bit, and celebrate the lump and all that may entail. It's the most honoring thing I can do in this moment as I trust that there really is magic in being transparent, authentic, and open.
© bill hughlett @ h3images.com
Reader Comments (3)
A really good post, Kayce. Congratulations for postponing your workshop and choosing to take care of yourself. You're giving me a lot to think about here. Thank you.
Happy and blessed self-nurturing!
yay Kayce! and many thanks for this rich reminder. "you can't give what you don't have." Live It to Give It encourages me to remember myself, to allow myself the grace of rest, replenishing, pausing, being in the unknown places ~ no rushing to "do" before it is time ~
p.s. Live It to Give It ~ a most amazing journey. try it with Kayce if you can!
Claire - I appreciate your encouragement and also your willingness to pause here and share with me. I cherish your words of blessing!! xo
JoAnn - It lifts my heart to hear from graduates of the "Live it to Give it" class. I didn't want to say "former participants," because I hear in your words that LITGI continues to live on inside (and outside) of you! Thank you for spreading the word!!