Not today...
Wednesday, September 3, 2008 at 7:44 AM "It's very helpful to realize that the emotions we have, the negativity and the positivity, are exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive." Pema Chodron
Oh man, the river of emotions that has been running through me over the last few days! I had hoped today to write more generically about “the river” as it is something so universal and intriguing to me. I see this river everywhere in people I meet and pass on the streets. It is a great topic and one I will return to...But not today.
Arising in the morning I look out the door to see if Curry slept outside. I walk into the house at the end of the day expecting to be greeted. I look in the backyard over the fence and hope to see that slobbery smile. I miss my old yellow dog. It is too much AND it is not.
I know it was time, I tell myself. The house will stay cleaner now ☺. I have slowly started to put away his things: bowls and medicine moved downstairs, but not totally disposed. I will remove a rug today that we used to keep him from slipping on the hard wood floors. My husband cannot bring himself to scoop the last bits of poop in the yard. A bag sits stuffed in the Adirondack chair—waiting. “I don’t want to do it,” he says. It is not the complaining, “I don’t wanna,” but one filled with sadness that this will be the last time.
So, no more poop scooping, no more balls of fur throughout the house, no more slobber on the walls. When will I clean the kitchen door? The brown smudge where Curry used his nose to push it open and let himself in? Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe after I have looked for him on the rug or after I have noticed he is not on the back porch and my heart has stopped a little because I know he won’t be there. It all happens in less than a second, I think, maybe a couple of seconds, but the memory, the routine, the pattern of our life is still there.
Oh, it is too much AND of course, it is not. I will go on living. Maybe some day I will allow another furry creature to enter my heart, but not today. Today I will allow myself to feel all of the feelings. I will go about my routine. I will send my daughter off to her first day of 10th grade. I will enjoy the sunshine that is here. I will take my walk and go to my dance class. I will dance for Curry and for me.
I know he will slowly start to take up less space in my thoughts. Less space on this blog. But not today.
p.s. The “river of feelings” started flowing today as I read sweet Riley’s post and the subsequent comment by Geezer Dude. So, check it out if you so desire ☺.
Reader Comments (9)
The Pema Chodron quote at the top of your post says it all, really. You, my dear friend, are indeed fully human, fully awake, fully alive. As you demonstrate so often here, including today. And yes, I read Riley earlier and had to stop when someone came in and asked me what was wrong!
You know, I still shed a tear over Doodles, my mom's cat (who hated me!). Doodles passed a looooooooong time ago, too. This mourning is your appreciation for the gift God gave you in Curry. Peace.
There is still slobber from my Lady dog on inside of the passenger door that I refuse to clean off - and it has been over a year.
The worst things those first months was expecting to have her greet us at the door, expecting to hear that deep bark....oh my, even after all this time I can still cry for my Lady dog.
tess--that riley is quite the writer, huh? i appreciate your loving insight so much!
barbara--what is it about animals that burrows under our skin--even cats that don't like us?
"difference"--i totally hear what you are saying. today was my first day home alone. yuk! i have about decided that many of the noises i attributed to curry throughout the day must be coming from somewhere else because i can still hear them loud and clear :-) or else the old guy has decided to keep me company from his new home.
thank you all for your support and care!
oh, wow. i totally bawled. and remembered why i missed blogging all summer. what a re-entry. grieve well, friend.
*tears* *tears* *tears* *tears*
xoxoxo
Lucy, I would have swore that I sent you my condolences on the loss of curry, maybe some blogger thing, anyway, I really am so sorry, and once again, the tears are rolling down my cheeks as I can relate every single thing that you wrote of. Hugs to you my friend.
laura, sue, ss & patty--thank you for the hugs, tears and warm thoughts you have shared with me. it gets a tad bit easier each day...maybe...