Brazos de Dios

Part I

A red ball of sunshine greets me this morning.
The world is waking up although parts of it never went to sleep last night (including me).
Doors banging—wind blowing—caught in a twister.

My life right now—raw—restless—looking for a place to land.
I know my home is here with me and yet the world keeps hammering away at my sanity and serenity even in the dark of night.

What will I find this weekend among these women who have come searching for freedom?
Will I find my own freedom?

A small Texas bird speaks to me from the tree.
“It is here. Freedom is here for the choosing. Choose life. Choose life.”

Even when the battle is tough and turbulent—when you are caught in a twister—Breathe.
Breathe in the air that smells slightly different.
Take in the vines of the field. They are but branches and the root lies deep beneath.

Trust. Trust God. Trust the process. Trust myself.

Part II

I feel so raw right now—bursting with emotion.
Tender and strong—anchored with a root that is deep and everlasting.

My vineyard is intertwined with sunflowers.
The red rock of my childhood surrounds me. It is the flat terrain of my youth.
Yet I know the road was neither flat nor smooth.

Bobwhite calling. Beautiful. Familiar.
“Come play with me. Come join the rising sun.”
The gnats are trying to irritate. It is my choice to stay calm or to despair.

I watch a small white butterfly—a miracle. Hear the bobwhite.
My stomach is starting to growl. Mosquitoes are buzzing.
This new day has begun.

I will join my friends. I will find solace in the midst of the twister.
The arms of God are all around me.
Brazos de Dios.

photos by bill hughlett

The Darkest Night

How can black become even blacker?
What is the color of darkness?
Who knows the color of water?
The color of tears?
The color of sorrow?
What is the taste of sorrow?
Bitter and salty. Full of tears.

Too bitter.
Too much.
Too black.

“The Tale of the Instant Coffee …

... or Confessions of a Seattleite”

Once upon a time there was a young woman who we will call Lucy. Lucy was a person who learned to drink coffee during those formidable college years when the balancing act was a challenge between happy hours and study time. Coffee became an essential tool for Lucy once she discovered it’s magical abilities to induce alertness after a few nights of minimal sleep.

Lucy’s love of coffee followed her into her career as a public accountant and she drank cup after cup of coffee throughout the day and evening without effect. Time went by and Lucy moved from career woman to stay-at-home motherhood—her love of coffee only waning during the first trimester of pregnancy when the smell of almost anything except orange soda pop was repugnant.

During this time a wonderful thing occurred. Lucy moved to the coffee capital of the world—Seattle. There she was soon introduced to a variety of coffee concoctions and ultimately landed upon her regular—the tall nonfat latte. Still, nothing could beat a fresh cup of coffee (or several) so Lucy’s coffee chugging days continued—until…

photo by bill hughlett

Aak! Bladder problems!! By this time Lucy had already made the move from regular coffee to decaf since she found that there might have been a slight addiction problem (e.g. screaming headaches when coffee was withheld). Decaf or no, Lucy continued to love her coffee and faithfully awoke to the aroma of a fresh-brewed pot each morning. Alas, the urologist said no more. Or at least no more than one cup a day if Lucy wanted to divert wearing Depends for a while longer.

Lucy discovered that it is next to impossible to brew one cup of really good coffee. Oh, she tried the coffee press. She tried drinking only one cup out of the pot, but each left her lacking. One thing Lucy found that she loved almost more than the taste was the actual warmth of the drink. So, while visiting her sister (not a Seattleite), Lucy stumbled upon her sister’s “fix” of (I dare say it)…instant coffee.

Once again, Lucy was hooked. She found that she could control the strength and, of course, the size of the “cup”, and soon the whistling teapot began to take the place of the dripping of the coffee maker. The aroma was always fresh and the steam was more satisfying than any lukewarm concoction. Now, you must realize that Lucy is only able to admit this shame to her closest friends and just to keep up appearances, she often orders in public her favorite “Seattle” drink—a decaf tall nonfat latte—extra hot, of course!

Thus, concludes the tale of the instant coffee aka the confession of a Seattleite. (Names have been changed to protect reputations.)

Hope that you never find yourself likened to a bad cup of coffee--cold and bitter!!

The Edge

Come to the edge, He said. Come to the edge.
She smiled, lifted off the ground and did a cannonball into the unknown.

The unknown exploded and burst into a million miracles—glistening in the sky for all the world to see.
They floated through the sky, touching corners of the universe that had never known such brightness.

Come to the edge, She said. Come fly with me through the crystal atmosphere.
It is glorious. It is dangerous. It is life.

Ocean of Desire

jelly photo from public domain

I see you. I am happy. I start swimming toward you, but the current is hard.
Danger. There are beautiful glistening orbs. Jellyfish flash in the sunlight. Danger. Danger.
But I want to be with you. To celebrate with you.
My desire is for you. Is it in vain? Will it be answered?

I keep swimming toward you. Deterred by the sting of the jellyfish—the man ‘o war.
I can’t get to you. The current is strong—causing me to tire. My arms give out, then my legs and finally my heart. It is too hard. The pain is excruciating.

I can see you. I am quite near, but I cannot touch you.
The tears come. Tears of frustration and tears of sorrow.
I do not want to shed tears to be with you. I want to spread my light.
I want you to see my brilliance, my overflowing joy.

Yet the ocean is filled with my tears and a cloud descends to hide my brilliance.
I cannot reach you. The cloud is in the way.
It is an old and far-reaching cloud. One that existed before my time and now creeps into our time.

Occasionally my brilliance—my light—peeks through the cloud and casts a beam of light across your face.
It is the face that I love.
But something about the light is too much and the cloud closes back in and shuts out the light.

The barrier is in tact. The jellyfish are invisible in the dark sea. Their sting is strong but not fatal.

Can the sting be fatal or will I continue to swim the current again and again—seeking your face in the darkness-
Wanting to dance. To celebrate. To leap across the waves with you.
That is my desire. To rise above the waves and the clouds. To be out of reach of the man ‘o war.

I am not your enemy. I am your love. Swim to meet me before my arms fail me and I sink to the ocean floor.
Dance with me. Celebrate with me. That is my desire.