Listening Point

Check out a new group blog devoted to "Listening." You might even see a familiar voice there (say on June 19, 2007). Cheers!

Pain

Today I begin with a disclaimer stating that I am not a whiner by nature and really am not fond of the aging crowd’s propensity to discuss physical ailments as a source of entertainment, however, there is a point (I hope) to sharing my current discomfort. You see, I have been in physical pain for almost a month now. The pain appears to be in my right arm which is kind of a problem since I am right-handed. During my lifetime, I have come to realize that I have a pretty significant tolerance for pain that was first pointed out to me with the birth of my son and then again with my daughter as no pain medications were necessary for delivery. (I must add this is a point of pride for me and I should probably let it go, but probably not today ☺). My current pain has been one that I first noticed when I was in Texas facilitating a workshop and I thought I had slept wrong on my arm, but after several days, weeks and now a month the pain has not gone away.

I visited my chiropractor who said if this isn’t better in a day or so, come back. I went back two weeks later ☺ when I had myself convinced I had a tumor in my back and was probably going to die soon and for a moment or two that seemed okay. Always the question of what level (number) is your pain? I don’t know but it really hurts so it must be bad.

Now, why do I tell you all of this? Well, since visiting a massage therapist (the next recommended course of action) I have had vivid images rattling around in my head. I slept with them last night and had a great essay written in my dreams, but, of course, cannot remember those “perfect” words this morning. The idea, however, is along these lines: if we hold tightly to something, the pain will stay with us. It feels protective and better in the moment, but in the long run the pain and ineffectiveness only deepens rather than dissipating. Hmm. Sounds like life to me.

All those verses of “you must lose your life to gain it”; the old butterfly poster poem of “if you love something, set it free”; “surrender your will to find your dreams” keep running through my head. The momentary instinct has been to hold my arm close and keep the pain from radiating throughout my body; to sleep tightly bundled up so I don’t move and thus hurt. The pain seems to be in my arm and my arm wants to be protected, but what I discovered yesterday is that the culprit is really a muscle (or bunch of nerves) in my chest and everything radiates from there.

As I hold tightly the muscle shrinks and while the pain is better for the moment, this holding on is actually further limiting my ability to move. In fact, rather than sleeping in a still ball, I am better served by lying with my arms wide open, stretching the muscle rather than further constricting it.

And so, that is what I believe we are called to do with life. Stretch. We are to stretch with our arms wide open. If we do not we will atrophy. In other words, use it or lose it. Sometimes we need the protection and safety of curling up and covering our hearts, but in the long run we are called to risk. To risk that first pain that grabs us and says, “go no further.” We are called to look fear in the face and say, “today I will test myself just a little bit.” I will stretch my arm to see if I can move a little further.

Even though this is not exactly the essay I wrote in my sleep last night, I hope you get the picture. I still have a hundred metaphors running around in my brain about this whole incident, but bottom line is that today even though my arm still hurts (unfortunately cures are not instant and take some hard work), I have hope. I can feel more movement and I am working with the pain rather than against it. I hope I will choose to do the same with my life. I hope you will too ☺.

photo by mary jane hughlett - belgian congo circa 1950's

Me Times Eight

This afternoon I started to do Tess' Me Times Eight meme and found that my first five thoughts had to do with things I'm not sure I want to make public today. The "facts" generally read like something out of a teenager's diary. (Oh, I guess that would be MY teenage diary which I shall save for now). So, there's fact #1--I have a teenage diary rattling around in my not-so-teenage head.

#2 My mother was an Avon lady from the time I was four years old until I went to college at 18. With this vocation and her Southern upbringing, she instilled in me a love of lipstick. Never leave home without it.

#3 Wild as I feel inside sometimes, I often am described as "sweet" or "uptight." What's up with that?!?!? (Lucy gets a little crabby about the uptight comment.)

#4 When I was about 5 years old, I took tap dance lessons for about 2 weeks. I loved the shiny black shoes, but much preferred to stay home and watch "The Three Stooges" or was it Johnny Weismiller's "Tarzan"?

#5 At the age of forty, I decided I could do a triathlon after watching my husband complete many. It was quite a feat for me to accomplish the 1/2 mile open water swim, since oops...I Don't Swim! I am certain I was accompanied by an angel in bodily form who came alongside me, said, "what's your name?" and then, "o.k. we'll do this together." I honestly think I might have drowned or at least been pulled out of the water by the lifeguards if she had not talked me through it.

#6 In eighth grade I was very proud to read and complete "Gone with the Wind." I loved the book and hated the movie (not a popular opinion) because they left out too much. I still haven't figured out if it qualified as classic literature or an early romance novel. Any thoughts?

#7 One of my favorite childhood memories is of sitting on the stoop at my kindergarten teacher's house sharing an ice cream cone with her dog. I'd take a lick. Then he would take a lick. There is something so delightful about children's instincts before someone tells them they are doing something "wrong."

#8 My dad was a truck driver and I used to love to play Barbie's in his sleeper cab. One of my best memories was going on a trip with him to Tulsa (90 miles away from our home in Oklahoma City). I thought it was a serious road trip made all the more special by milkshakes and lemon drops along the way.

Well, that was some memorable randomness for a Friday afternoon. I, too, am going to break the rules and not tag anyone else, but if you'd like to play along just let me know. I'd love to hear some of your random silliness or seriousness.

Blessed Among Women

"Blessed are you among women." That is how I felt yesterday from several different venues. Today I would like to share a few of those blessings.

First, a dear friend & colleague of mine trusted me enough to share a bit of her journal and graciously agreed to let me post it here. Her words are a powerful reminder of listening and so much more.

"I had a thought, or a memory. I remembered my dream about the demons. I would always shout and strain to preach to them, dream after dream. I then had the dream that ended these reoccurring dreams. I whispered to the demons with ease and knew the power was there (God). It was effective,potent. In my counseling, I find myself straining (especially the early years) to help and speak and be with my clients. When I am tired, or feeling desperate for direction and wisdom I feel the same urge to push and strain. I find, though, that the Holy Spirit doesn’t need that ‘help’ from me. It’s best when I surrender, and allow the subtle, soft, power to fill me and the room. It’s me being more of an open, soft, hearing, and most of all trusting child in the battle of the moment. It’s in this place where I see the raise of an eyebrow, or the tiny crossing of some emotion brush the face of my client. It’s where I join them more deeply. This is something I’m so grateful to remember today. amen"

Oh, that I would remember to "whisper" with God's power rather than "push and strain."

The next blessing came in the form of a poem from my wonderful friend and talented writer at Chimayo Bound. Earlier in the spring, I searched for a poem about my radiant poppies and yesterday I received the gift of just such a poem. I hope you will go see the beautiful images and words here.

And finally the day ended with the inspiring words of Episcopal Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori. She said, "I think life is meant to be challenging. If we're going to use the fullness of the gifts that we've been given, it means we have to continue to be stretched, and I look forward to that." Me, too.

These words came in the context of an interview with Bill Moyers. You can find both the video and the transcript here. Her viewpoint as both scientist, theologian and woman was one I found to be beautifully inspiring.

My desire is that you will also be blessed by these women as I have been. Cheers!

photo/art "Church Lady" by Erin Andrews (another blessing)
poppy by Peg at Chimayo Bound

Knowing God. Knowing Self.

God has met me this week through the words of Henri Nouwen. Monday morning as I sat shocked and reeling from my experience at church on Sunday, questioning my faith and hearing voices of my past and present telling me I had to know God their way to be “saved”, I opened Nouwen’s The Only Necessary Thing and these words greeted me:

"Once I “know” God, that is once I experience God’s love as the love in which all my human experiences are anchored, I can only desire one thing: to be in that love.”

Those words were like a warm hug enwrapping my small and oh so human body. Because, you see, I know that I have experienced the love to which Nouwen refers and I experienced it yet again in that very moment as tears of joy and surrender trailed down my face. There was nowhere else I desired to be. The voices of others faded away and only the voice of God commingled with mine existed.

The other “voices” that continue to battle for my attention are the ones that say “Self-knowledge is dangerous. It is selfish to consider yourself over others. You must only listen to the word of God (i.e. Scripture) for clear understanding.” With those voices I translate, “Don’t look inside yourself. You cannot be trusted. Only trust others who know more than you (i.e. pastors and scholars).” The battle is that I really don’t believe the translation and find myself caught between knowing that I can trust myself and realizing that the battle still rages on.

And so I share Nouwen’s words that greeted me today (I realize I have just spoken of being wary of only trusting “wiser” others, however, the difference for me lies in the words having resonance rather than dissonance in my soul.) His words definitely fall into the resonance category for me. See Reeling? Healing? Kneeling? for an example of dissonance ☺.

"The mystery of the spiritual life is that Jesus desires to meet us in the seclusion of our own heart, to make his love known to us there, to free us from our fears, and to make our own deepest self known to us. In the privacy of our heart, therefore, we can learn not only to know Jesus, but through Jesus to know ourselves as well…Each time you let the love of God penetrate deeper into you heart, you lose a bit of your anxiety; and every time you shed a bit of your anxiety, you learn to know yourself better and long all the more to be known by your loving God.

Thus the more you learn to love God, the more you learn to know and to cherish yourself. Self-knowledge and self-love are the fruit of knowing and loving God. You can see better now what is intended by the great commandment to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself.” Laying our hearts totally open to God leads to a love of ourselves that enables us to give whole-hearted love to our fellow human beings. In the seclusion of our hearts we learn to know the hidden presence of God; and with that spiritual knowledge we can lead a loving life.”

Again, I experienced the warm knowing that God was speaking directly to my heart--A heart desiring self-knowledge not because it is “selfish” but because it desires “to know the hidden presence of God…and lead a loving life.”

Amen.

How and where do you meet God? What are the battles that rage inside your head?