floating through this life

"as hawks rest upon air
and air sustains them,
so would I learn to attain
freefall, and float
into Creative Spirits deep embrace."

--Denise Levertov (found in "Praying with the Elements)

God is a process. Hmmm. Not sure from where those words popped out, but I think I'll let them stay. Yesterday's quote spoke of being a work of art in process. Recently, images of floating feathers have been appearing to me with some frequency. I did not notice that until I wrote a new pantoum while working with my collage. I realized that my previous pantoum also had the line "floating through this life" in it. There is also a very small feather in the collage. Hmmm. Well, I think I will stop here for now as there seems to be more pondering to do.

gratitude. grace. falling in love.
can you look or will you close your eyes & weep
for grace & compassion
a blanket of roses and deep green slumber

can you look or will you close your eyes & weep
falling. running. floating. splashing.
a blanket of roses and deep green slumber
the rose of conviction

falling. running. floating. splashing.
floating through this life.
the rose of conviction
gratitude. grace. falling in love.

photo by bill

Reminder to Myself--"Live Out Loud"

If no one reads my words, does that mean I am not a writer? If I am not published, is my work not good? If I stop writing will the words continue to come? If I refuse to share my gift with others will it cease to be my gift? If I show one thing to the world, but feel something different which one is real?

When I consider asking these questions of someone else, the answers seem simple and easy. Then why is it so hard to calm the battle that goes on inside of me? The inner critic tells me I am no good. The still small voice says I am beautiful and fabulous. To whom shall I listen?

Over the last several months I have been encouraged to submit my work for publication. Yikes! It was bad enough while in graduate school to turn my writing into a teacher’s assistant and have it graded. Now I am subjecting myself to pure rejection. It really stinks. Hearing words like this “We have read (your submission) with interest. Unfortunately, it does not meet our editorial needs at this time. Blah blah blah” is really no fun at all.

So why do it? I am still pondering that one but somehow it all feels like the process where I need to be. Often when I get discouraged and feel like giving up, I receive a wonderful reminder in the words of another (God, fellow bloggers, friends, a stranger) and my desire to continue to write is renewed.

The words this morning came in the form of this quote: “We are here to live out loud.” --Balzac. And this one: “But imagine if birds only sang when heard. If musicians only played when approved of. If poets only spoke when understood.” --Mark Nepo

And so, for today I will continue to write for I cannot stop. It is like trying to stop the waves from crashing to the beach or the sun from rising in the morning or the birds from singing in the twilight. Because deep in my heart I know that I am created to “Live Out Loud.”

photo by bill

Moments

Coming from one whose primary medium of art (at least here) is the written word it can seem odd to say that it is not the words of life that count, but the moments. While reading Mark Nepo’s words today, “when I think of those who’ve taught me how to love, moments come to mind, not words,” my mind was flooded with moments (many of them from the last few days.)

A hug. A smile. A laugh. The simple words of “eagle, eagle, eagle!” as the majestic bird flew past the shoreline. My son and his girlfriend head to head on the beach looking like two carefree children studying the tiny crabs. An arm slung over my shoulder and a kiss on my forehead—feeling cherished as a child by the son to whom I am mother. A joke and laughter shared that I cannot recall the words. Sitting with friends around a fire. Breaking bread together. The splendor of flowers at the market filling the air with fragrance and beauty. A car full of teenagers spilling out and wrapping me in bear hugs before they went off to play. Fireworks. Hard work. Quiet moments.

Moments. It is not the words I will primarily remember about the last few days, but the moments. The moments I knew that God was speaking to me through the beauty and wonder and glory of the creation surrounding me and teaching me that I am beloved.

What are the moments that speak to you of love?

Knowing God. Knowing Self.

God has met me this week through the words of Henri Nouwen. Monday morning as I sat shocked and reeling from my experience at church on Sunday, questioning my faith and hearing voices of my past and present telling me I had to know God their way to be “saved”, I opened Nouwen’s The Only Necessary Thing and these words greeted me:

"Once I “know” God, that is once I experience God’s love as the love in which all my human experiences are anchored, I can only desire one thing: to be in that love.”

Those words were like a warm hug enwrapping my small and oh so human body. Because, you see, I know that I have experienced the love to which Nouwen refers and I experienced it yet again in that very moment as tears of joy and surrender trailed down my face. There was nowhere else I desired to be. The voices of others faded away and only the voice of God commingled with mine existed.

The other “voices” that continue to battle for my attention are the ones that say “Self-knowledge is dangerous. It is selfish to consider yourself over others. You must only listen to the word of God (i.e. Scripture) for clear understanding.” With those voices I translate, “Don’t look inside yourself. You cannot be trusted. Only trust others who know more than you (i.e. pastors and scholars).” The battle is that I really don’t believe the translation and find myself caught between knowing that I can trust myself and realizing that the battle still rages on.

And so I share Nouwen’s words that greeted me today (I realize I have just spoken of being wary of only trusting “wiser” others, however, the difference for me lies in the words having resonance rather than dissonance in my soul.) His words definitely fall into the resonance category for me. See Reeling? Healing? Kneeling? for an example of dissonance ☺.

"The mystery of the spiritual life is that Jesus desires to meet us in the seclusion of our own heart, to make his love known to us there, to free us from our fears, and to make our own deepest self known to us. In the privacy of our heart, therefore, we can learn not only to know Jesus, but through Jesus to know ourselves as well…Each time you let the love of God penetrate deeper into you heart, you lose a bit of your anxiety; and every time you shed a bit of your anxiety, you learn to know yourself better and long all the more to be known by your loving God.

Thus the more you learn to love God, the more you learn to know and to cherish yourself. Self-knowledge and self-love are the fruit of knowing and loving God. You can see better now what is intended by the great commandment to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself.” Laying our hearts totally open to God leads to a love of ourselves that enables us to give whole-hearted love to our fellow human beings. In the seclusion of our hearts we learn to know the hidden presence of God; and with that spiritual knowledge we can lead a loving life.”

Again, I experienced the warm knowing that God was speaking directly to my heart--A heart desiring self-knowledge not because it is “selfish” but because it desires “to know the hidden presence of God…and lead a loving life.”

Amen.

How and where do you meet God? What are the battles that rage inside your head?

My Dance

“My dance. No one does it like I do. I am delighted and slightly disturbed by so much responsibility riding on me just being me. It seems that when I begin to experience fully and wholly the sweet spots of life, doubt starts to creep in. Can this be real? How long will it last? Recently, I have fought the words “courageous” and “brave” as they have been ascribed to me. Why? It feels like a battle for my soul. If I continue to step into life and live peacefully in the midst of craziness, it is a threat to evil. It is breaking the chains that bind me to daily drudgery and mediocrity.”

Saturday, I was cleaning and sorting my computer files and ran across the above-undated words. When did I write them? What was going on in my life? As time would have it, those words seem equally as appropriate (possibly even more so) today than they did the day I originally penned them. There is definitely a battle going on. This morning I wrote in my morning pages that there are things I desire to say that Lucy would just go ahead and write without care to what others may think. As I write now, I ponder why do I hold back? What am I afraid of? (It took me two tries to get over my fear of hanging prepositions and leave the previous sentence as is.) If I am afraid of proper grammar then how much more hesitant will I be as I continue to bump up against the ingrained voices of my past and present? Fortunately, I can choose. It is, after all, “my dance” and with Lucy by my side who knows what may happen? Stay tuned and journey along with me because as my tagline says:

“I write to discover what I know” –Flannery O’Connor (& me)