Breaking the Chains...
Tuesday, July 17, 2012 at 11:54 AM This summer I was invited to serve on a panel designed to assist participants in understanding the dynamics of letting go of a fundamentalist background. My participation was predicated on my personal history of transforming my own rigid religious and familial upbringing into a fluid, joy-filled life. What follows is a metaphor (and more).
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When circus elephants are young, they are attached by heavy chains to large stakes driven deep in the ground. While they may pull, yank, strain, and struggle, the chain is too strong for them to move it. It is deeply rooted. One day they give up, having learned they cannot pull free and if they do the punishment will be harsh. From that day forward the elephant can be “chained” with the slenderest of ropes. When this enormous animal feels any resistance, though it has the strength to pull the whole circus tent over, it stops trying. Because it believes it cannot, it cannot.*
Being raised in a rigid environment—be it religious, cultural, familial or societal—is like existing as the elephants who are trained to stay within the confines of their circus ring. The fear of stepping outside the “ring” can keep us from seeking our true heart’s desires. Like the elephants, we know/remember/believe that stepping outside the assigned boundaries will result in severe punishment.
In preparation for my panel, I talked with a man who describes himself as a “recovering fundamentalist.” He likened his experience to unknowingly being raised inside a prison cell by predominantly kind captors. There the prisoner is kept safe, fed daily, given shelter, and told the answers to all his questions. Thinking on one’s own is unnecessary, because someone else has figured it all out and posted the rules. There is little or no awareness that there is any other way of being or doing things until one day the locked doors drift open with a stroke of unfamiliar freedom. He described this “opening” in his life as “terrifying and confusing” with lots of questions as to whether or not it was okay to experience what the larger world was offering. Like the elephants, there was the lingering belief of “I cannot”... I cannot move, do this on my own, think for myself.
The fear of stepping outside the prescribed norm is monumental and requires untold courage. As long as things are okay in the basic day-to-day, there’s often no reason to move beyond the boundaries. But what if something changes? The prison door swings open or the elephant gets curious and wonders about something he sees outside the boundary? Curiosity alone might not be enough for the shift to get traction. Falling in love (with someone or something) might do it, but the fear of punishment may still be greater. What if the heat turns up? Say there’s a fire, and life as you know it is drastically threatened? Once the fear of staying put is stronger than the fear of leaving, that’s when I believe the elephant will move and step outside the boundary. For people, it’s not so different. As Anais Nin wrote...
“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.”
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Since this is a very large story needing to fit into a minuscule nutshell, I'll primarily focus on the direct question presented to me: What kept me in my religion for so many years? Simple answer: FEAR... just like our friend, the elephant.
Fear of Eternal Damnation - Thoughts of I’ll go to hell if I don’t believe correctly; do everything right and perfectly. That’s a big one! What I ultimately came to realize, however, is that I was already in a living hell. Could it really get any worse? All I can know is NOW and if now feels miserable, confined, and less than free, then I’m already damned in what seems like eternity.
Fear of disappointing others and worry about what they think – Again the thoughts ran rampant. They’ll think I’m bad... unworthy... wrong. I was raised that our Faith’s beliefs were the “right” ones... the only way, so not believing exactly as I’d been told made me wrong which then circles back to eternal damnation. It’s a lot of pressure to be right all the time!
Who gets to determine right or wrong anyway? What man is infallible? One of the most resonant statements I’ve heard came from the Buddha who said:
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
Our internal guidance system is a good one, so it’s important to learn to trust it. I was also raised to believe that we are all born evil and can’t trust ourselves. I’ve obviously come to disagree, but who knows if I’m right or not? Living in freedom, I believe we get to decide for ourselves... it’s called “free will”.
Fear of being alone/abandonment – Like the elephant, my “ring” was all I knew. It was my community and if I was wrong... yikes! But I was already alone inside my circus ring. The sense of community was deceptive, because I was only respected as long as I stayed inside the prescribed boundaries. I also left myself alone by not trusting myself. If I don’t believe in myself then I’m alone and abandoned in the most human sense.
Where does that leave God? What do I believe? I believe in a Higher Power – God – Holy Spirit – Universe - something greater than myself. This Power nurtures my highest good and doesn’t condemn me (or others) to eternal hell. This Higher Source gives me choice—Free Will. I’m meant to use it and I choose to use it for the greater good. All along the way I’ve done the best I know how. What I’ve discovered in my journey is that I can do more good in the world by living outside the circus ring rather than being confined within. It doesn’t mean I’ve turned my back on the circus, but I have broken the chains that bind. When I step into Freedom, I KNOW I’m not alone – ever. Love brings forth love and fear begets damnation, confinement, and an eternal sense of being wrong. I choose to serve Love.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians 13:4-7
Conclusion? – When my fear of staying inside the boundaries became greater than the fear of leaving, that’s when I truly began to Live and to Love as I believe God created me to do... That’s when I discovered the Savior I knew had been there all along.
If you or anyone you know is struggling, I’d like to share the words of my “recovering fundamentalist” friend. When I asked him what he needed during those moments of doubt and upheaval, he quietly responded, “I just wanted someone to walk alongside me.”
How will you choose to walk alongside someone today? (Don’t forget that you are “someone.”)
What fears keep you from stepping outside your “circus ring”?
As always, I’m available for conversation, a listening ear, or a gentle hug. Please remember this:
You are loved, you’re never alone, and you always have a choice.
*adapted from "Training Circus Elephants, an Example of Learned Helplessness" by Duen Hsi Yen
Fear, Freedom, God, Letting Go, Personal Reflection
Reader Comments (9)
I am awestruck by your courage, Kayce. The ring of fire didn't consume you, although I'm sure it was as hot as any eternal fires of hell and damnation might have been. This is brilliantly and clearly written, and I suspect it will serve as a beacon of light for others who are experiencing this difficult struggle.
Amy, what a beautifully written and clearly communicated post! Love it! Your circus metaphor is so apt and so moving. I look forward to 'meeting' you on the panel on Thursday.
Alexandra Amor (MBI cadet and cult survivor)
Amy - it's definitely been toasty at times... but well worth the heat. refiner's fire, ya know? :) Thanks so much for your brilliance and sharing the piece with others! xo
Alexandra - thanks for taking the time to comment and i, too, look forward to 'meeting' you Thursday!
Nicely put, Kayce. We have everything in common. As you know, I've been a recovering Christian for a long time now and I'm still on the journey. When I walked away from ORU and the Church those many years ago, I had no idea how lonely a journey it was going to be. I knew of no one who shared my experience and this was before Al Gore invented the Internet. Even post-Internet, it was years before I could find a meaningful Google search pointing to people of similar mind and experience. Over the past 5 years or so this has been changing greatly and I think the shackles are beginning to break at an ever-quickening pace. Thanks for sharing your story of solidarity. I'd be interested in hearing more about your journey from Fundamentalism beyond your very apt metaphor. This is ripe and very healing work you're unearthing here. Thanks again for going there. Warmly, Brett
beautifully said, Kayce!
brett - delighted to be in solidarity with you. i've missed your comments!! peace, k
From one elephant to another - Excellent post!! xoxo
wow, this is a powerful and marvelous post. Loved reading it! Xoxo