Big. Too Big???
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 7:16 PM 
I'm not much of a TV fan. In fact, I don't really even know how to use our Cable set up that we installed several months ago. Late one Saturday night, I stumbled across a viewing of an old Harry Potter movie while I needed background activity for something else and that's the extent of my recent TV viewing. Except for... there's often an "except", my guilty pleasure of ordering Grey's Anatomy through i-Tunes. It's delivered privately to my computer whenever there's a new episode. I must admit, I'm hooked. There is drama, PG-13 sex, laughter, excellent music and so many metaphors for life I can hardly stand it. This week I found myself mesmerized, enchanted and in near tears as I connected with the passionate dialogue of a 350 pound+ opera singer. It resonated profoundly, so I transcribed his speech to ponder here.
“I’m big. Too Big. I don’t fit in airplane seats and my feelings don’t always fit the situation. If my food is overcooked, I get enraged. I want to kill the waiter… but I don’t. I politely ask him to take my meal back and prepare it the way I asked for it. I spend my days making myself small... more acceptable, and that’s ok, because at night, when I go on stage, I get to experience the world as I feel it, with indescribable rage and unbearable sadness and huge passion. At night, on stage, I get to kill the waiter and dance on his grave, and if I can’t do that…if all I have is a life of making myself smaller, then I don’t want to live . I don’t. And believe me, honey, you don’t want me to live.” From Grey’s Anatomy 1.21.10
While I do fit in the seat of an airplane, my emotional intensity often reaches proportions that can feel "too big". When that happens I must choose whether or not I will make myself smaller or go with the flow and risk dancing on the waiter's grave.
So, any other Grey's fans out there? Ever land in a situation and find yourself living large or making small?
Reader Comments (14)
I feel like I'm getting bigger all the time lately, and it's great, but scary at times. Especially when there's a minor "growth spurt" such as I'm experiencing right now.
I'm not a TV person either. The only shows I've ever really cared about are Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Northern Exposure. (I do admit I was completely obsessed with Northern Exposure, and might still be, a little.) I haven't watched Grey's Anatomy, as my TV hasn't had any channels in years.
The teenage daughter of some friends of mine is very, very ill in hospital right now, suffering from anorexia. I suspect rage is at the root of this also and an attempt simultaneously at control and at making herself small. If she could only find a passionate way to express her rage and sadness that wasn't destroying her body...
And you know, no need to feel guilty about GA, the folk scripting these series are seriously brilliant. I've noticed that when American drama series are good, they are really, really good. They blow our pathetic Jane Austen adaptations out of the water. (All that said, I've never got into GA, but there are plenty of others!)
as a Grey's Anatomy fan you had me hooked straight off the bat . . . then the excerpt you shared resonated so strongly it was almost scary
this morning i woke from vivid dreaming with a voice still ringing in my ears . . . a little later in the morning i journalled a bit and concluded by writing this:
So how am I to live? Shove everything inside a box, lock it, throw away the key and live as a grey shadow. That is how I feel now. And that feels like a life not worth living.
perhaps spending each day making myself small would be bearable if at night there was a stage where killing waiters and dancing on their grave was something people valued and paid to see me do
polli - funny you should mention "northern exposure". i only saw a couple of episodes when it was on, but have been thinking i'd like to check it out on dvd. i seem to have a thing for john corbett :-)
"growth spurt" for you? i should say so. perhaps you could add an open mike in your laundry mat. whadya think?
tess - there is nothing sadder than watching teenage girls (anyone really) try to physically disappear by punishing their bodies. when i was in grade 8, i watched a classmate do just that. she ultimately died - my mother always said it was of a broken heart, because her father and boyfriend chided her for being "too big."
not to worry - i don't spend much time being 'guilty' on my hour per week with GA :-)
kel - when i think of your amazing art work, i see that as your stage. i pray you never choose to lock all of that beauty into a tight box!!
i bet you did about fall over when you read that excerpt!! have you seen the episode yet? it's called "you look better naked" or something profound like that :-)
You totally should check it out - it was a true masterpiece of television. And John Corbett was HOT in that show. I had the biggest crush on him. The funny thing is, with the way the characters evolved over time, I ended up with a bigger crush on Rob Morrow.
That's a wonderful quote. I have had that experience, and it's a tough one, the business of making yourself smaller. Not interested in it any longer, frankly.
And count me as another vote for Northern Exposure. It's my very favourite TV show ever. I like it so much I made John Corbett in that show my TV husband. And I"m gay!
Ha! YOu know I'm trying to live smaller right now - it's almost Maui time:)) New bathing suit, etc. I'm not too crazed though as I can still wear a bathing suit and tho every decade comes as a shock to me, I'm still o.k.:)
I really like this post - the photo is amazing and reminds me of a recent oil painting I saw over at Bridgette Mills site (I can't think of the name of her site, this minute) she also has a small poster entitled "poured out like water"....
Anyway, I'm living large on my recent art escapades and still haven't found the time to step into Grey's Anatomy....oh, and to TESS, nothing tops the Jane Austen adaptations!!!!!
xoxoxo
I've never seen an episode of GA, but the quote certainly resonated. Conformity seems to be in the air these days (or at least, so it seems to me), and to do anything other than conform seems enormous. So much of it has to do with caring about the opinions of others--something that very recently I've begun to attempt to release.
All of this boils down to that--caring what others think. Can you imagine the freedom we'd experience if we let go of that? If we let outselves be big in every way?
Hey, I really like your blog!
em - thanks for stopping by and your vote for john corbett :-) i love him in "my big fat greek wedding" and "raising helen." i hope you'll stop in again!!
SS - you happened to be standing right next to me when i snapped that shot :-) iphones are amazing little gadgets! i know you're a nut for british jane austen - i think i'm going to vote with tess on this one, however... xoxoxo
karen - some of the most freeing times in my life have come when i stand up for myself. often, i find that the loudest voice keeping me in conformity is MY OWN!! you know that, too. it also seems like when we start to let go of something (like conformity) or reach for something (like compassion), there are signs everywhere. it's a great journey, huh?
live large, my friend, live large!!
Lucy -
Me again! The photo is a beauty and yes, I remember standing there right next to you and that lovely walk! Maybe I'll take a look at GA although I've just downloaded a 600 page book on to my Kindle so that may occupy me for a while - say GA can't be seen on the K can it?
And one final note - I think you know that I'm LIVING LARGE AND LOVIN" IT:)
xoxoxoxo
Lucy,
Great line, from a great show. I love Grey's. I thought that quote was quite profound. So many people in life find themselves feeling like not enough.
I actually choose to blog about this episode as well, except I wrote about the whole theme of "choosing" personal talent/passion or love.
Good blog. good words. blog on my friend :)
thank u so much for transcribing the amazing dialogue from that scene. weight is not my issue but i know first hand like many of us what it means to make one's self "smaller" & "more acceptable" for others.
like the man on grey's anatomy i am a singer & the one place i feel absolute power is onstage where i can rage, cry, scream, & as meredith & cristina have done many times "dance it out". may we all find that place where we can be our biggest boldest selves. let us kill the waiter!!!!!!! let us live out loud!!!!!!!