emotional dump
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 11:13 AM 
warning: this is NOT a feel good post...
how long is it o.k. to stay in a funk? what is socially acceptable? personally acceptable? I feel like sh.t. my head has hurt for several days and I have felt nauseous too. if I didn’t know better, I might think I was pregnant. yikes! maybe that’s the issue. I am experiencing the pains of pregnancy and childbirth, but right now it is with nearly grown children…loss of dreams…loss of hope... when can hope return? how many times must we experience "death" so that we may be "reborn?" the dying is getting tedious. I don’t want to do it anymore. I signed up for Italy and I got Auschwitz where I am one of the "able-bodied" who must continue to work and work and work and feel the pain rather than the more swift alternative of certain death.
when does the "living death" lift? when will the clean air start to fill my lungs again? and the original question...how long is it o.k. to stay in a funk, because everyone seems to want to pull me out of it…occasionally even myself…but more than not wanting to be in a funk, I am tired of the yoyo…the pendulum…the highs are too high and the lows are too low…swimming with the dolphins…high…bitter words and stalled relationships…low…sitting on a sailboat, listening to classical music, surrounded by blue seas...high…watching your children self-destruct…low. I am tired. really sick and tired. can I pull the covers over my head and wake up in a few years like rip van winkle? is it better to just hang out at the bottom of the pendulum? numb, but safe? my friends say, “drink a margarita”. “go for a drive in the sunshine.” “don’t try so hard.” “breathe.” yea. whatever.
sorry for the funkiness...don't say i didn't warn you...where do you hang out on the pendulum?
Darkness
Reader Comments (15)
Lucy - it's hard to know how to respond... so i thought that I'd let Heschel do it for me:
"The purpose of prayer is to be brought to His attention, to be listened to, to be understood by Him; not to know Him, but to be known to Him."
You'll know when it's time to de-funk (is it just me or does that sound like a song title for James Brown?)
DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL seems to apply. I can only join you in the agony of that place... and we can see what comes out of it.
My heart hurts with you.
"How long is it o.k. to stay in a funk?"
Well, I'm sure everyone around you is trying to get you out of it because they care but also because it's hard for us seeing other people in a funk because it makes us uncomfortable.
The messier answer is that it's ok to stay in it for as long as you need to. Even though that feels entirely unacceptable.
Hugs to you, Lucy Blue
ER--thanks for responding. "de-funk" made me smile :-)
hmmmbrd--can you pack me in your suitcase saturday?
susie q and lucy blue...i like the sound of that...
thanks to you all for not trying to "fix" anything AND for letting me know you're here/there...
I have treasured some of my funks, and believe me they can be deep, dark and long. But they have also been like a fallow field whose soil is being given a rest for something more creative yet to come. Of course, when the fallow field is more like a swamp with all kinds of scary, slimy creatures in it, it's time for help. I only know my funks, not yours, so you're the best judge.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Lucy, I really want to give you a big hug instead of words. Life is just hard at times and no matter how hard you try to make it otherwise, it just aches to be a part of it. I'm so sorry you're hurting...I have no answers and no words of wisdom.
I hope it helps a little to know that thoughts of love and support are being sent your way.
I just knew there was something major wrong. Thank you for your bravery in writing about it.
Oh, sweetie, I do feel for you, and I agree with some of the other commenters here, that when the time comes to 'de-funk' you will know.
Sending you healing thoughts and prayers from across the ocean.
xxx
dearest lucy, just so you know I am here for you (and I'll be meeting you for breakfast in just over an hour!). can't wait to see you and let you be in a funk live in person. :-)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo C
I repeat:))
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Lucy-
I get the highs and lows. I get the shattered hopes especially when it comes to a self-destructive child. I know it's hard to accept where you are at this very moment, but know, "You're exactly where you are supposed to be." This may sound really funk-a-fied, but I always know that when the darkness hits, I am to rely on God, have Faith, and know that there is a lesson to be learned. Big hugs, my dear.
We seldom comment, but we read, we contemplate, we care.
D
Just to let you know you are not alone in the "funkiness". Be gentle with yourself and give yourself space and time. If the "funkiness" hangs around for toooooooo long and you feel like another person, not just a sadder you, reach out for help. Friends can help you discern if that is necessary. Meanwhile, I send you a cyberhug and good thoughts and prayers.
It sounds like grief to me, and you are doing the best things you can: talking and writing and letting yourself feel. May God be with you, to be a log to hang onto when you feel as if the water is rising up to your neck. You and your family are in my prayers.
Hey, I know I'm late to the party here, but....
I love you, friend. You know that I have been going through my own crap in a big way here, but just know that anything from you is welcome in my inbox any time, a rant or whimper, whatever you need, no matter what I've got going on.
You are one of the precious ones, Lucy.
Mucho hugs,
H.M.