Dancing in the Water of Life

"January 25, 1964. I am aware of the need for constant self-revision and growth, leaving behind the renunciations of yesterday and yet in continuity with all my yesterdays. For to cling to the past is to lose one’s continuity with the past, since this means clinging to what is no longer there.

My ideas are always changing, always moving around one center, and I am always seeing that center from somewhere else.

Hence, I will always be accused of inconsistency. But I will no longer be there to hear the accusation." ~Thomas Merton, Dancing in the Water of Life, p. 67
--from antony

I love this quote. It reminds me so much of where I live my life both personally and in the therapeutic world of counseling. It is possible and often necessary to take a look at the past to see from where we have come, but I appreciate Merton's words of the futility of "clinging to what is no longer there." To cling is to be stuck with no forward movement. Change is evidence of growth and maturity, and there is also a playfulness and freedom in Merton's words: "But I will no longer be there to hear the accusation." Beautiful.

Inconsistency or change? It is my belief that with each new day and encounter, we are called to change, to grow, to dance in the water of life.

Forever changed.
We are forever changed by each other.
Bumbling, blessing, crying, laughing,
raging, pushing away and holding together.
We mark each other with indelible ink
and move a little closer to glory,
as we taste the Gospel together.

Thank you, friends, for being a part of my dance and my "inconsistency."

photo by bill hughlett

The Simplicity of Paradox

How do simple words contain such complex meaning? My last two posts (unplanned, by the way) have been entirely about the paradox of simplicity. A twenty-five word post reveals both the simplicity and complexity involved in actually living out the “simple” words. In another post, an “ordinary” day moves into the extraordinary. Simple? Yes. And, there is absolutely nothing simple at all about it. Paradox. Small things becoming larger than life. Ground, cold and barren, suddenly sprouting new life. Sun shining brighter than normal.

This is a simple post about the complexity that is percolating in my mind. Words of waiting, new breath and spirit permeate my waking and sleeping hours. I have thoughts and ideas about what they are telling me and just when I begin to write, another image appears and the idea morphs into a new one. So, for now, I will wait.

Will you consider waiting with me? I’d love to know what images these "simple" words (waiting, breath, spirit) stir in you.

Hurricane

Current life events led me to turn to last February’s journal. I am both sobered and hopeful at where the seasons of life continue to lead.

New soil. Springtime ready to grow, but there is nothing in the current ground of my heart. It is empty. What little green sprouts will choose to grow there—weeds or beautiful wild flowers? It feels so desolate right now. A hurricane has come through and decimated the land. There is trash and death all along the shore. The birds and wildlife have not returned. Desolation on the beach—the same beautiful, glorious beach that held sparkling diamonds only moments before.

When will life return? What will the resurrection look like? Even those small words feel hopeful for now. I know I cannot rush springtime. Growth and restoration take time and great care. Who will care for me in this time of grieving?
--February 27, 2006

Scorched Earth

“And the Lord will continually guide you. And satisfy your desire in a scorched place. And give strength to your bones; And you will be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water whose waters don’t fail.” Isaiah 58:11

Today I am saying good-bye to 2006—a year that has been difficult, painful and scorched. It has also been a year where the Lord has provided daily strength to my very frame and watered the depths of my soul.

Tomorrow, I fly to Mexico—a land of scorched earth. I covet rest and restoration as I travel from land into the immensity of the sea via sailboat—there to be watered like a garden and have my depleted springs filled. Nature calls to me. God beckons me to meet him in a new place filled with dust of the earth and water of the soul.

"coming back" photo by bill hughlett

About Me

Who am I? I awoke very early this morning pondering that loaded question.

In this crazy world of blogging, what do I want to say “About Me?” To address this seems both humbling and grandiose. It is impossibly difficult and incredibly simple. My first notion is, “I am no one,” quickly followed by the next thought, “I am an amazing, complex woman that words cannot begin to describe.” The truth is: I am both. This is the tension I live with these days. Faith is a huge part of my life and demonstrates this phenomenon well, because my faith is strong and it is weak. “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.” It seems that the more I learn about anything, the less I realize I actually know. The closer I come to knowing myself, the more I find there is to discover.

So, what about me? I am a mother, a wife, a sister, an orphan, a friend, a lover of God, a reforming Fundamentalist, a spiritual seeker, a lover of big yellow dogs and all kinds of nature, a fan of cozy beds and warm fires. I am a middle-aged woman with the heart of a child. I am a romantic and I am very practical. I love to cook and I hate to go to the grocery store. I want my house clean, but rarely enjoy the act of cleaning. I am a trained counselor and I regularly seek personal counseling. I want to experience God outside the box and I love old traditions. I grew up in the Bible Belt (Oklahoma) and now live in the "most un-churched city in the country" (Seattle).

I hate that we must suffer so much in the world AND I know that suffering has made me who I am today. I love music of all kinds. I do not have a great singing voice, but I have long dreamed of being a doo-wap girl. I’m not a talented dancer, but I love to move. I am not a natural athlete, but manage to stay in reasonable shape. I love new experiences (like my recent forays into backpacking, graduate school and skydiving). I love books (see sidebar of 2006 reads) and movies ranging from the romantic to the contemplative. I don't have regular/cable television, but am a closet viewer. I watch “Grey’s Anatomy,” “Gilmore Girls” and “24” when they come out on DVD and an occasional “Oprah” when I get the chance.

I am too conservative for the liberals and too liberal for the conservatives. I am passionate and I am shy. I LOVE to laugh until tears stream down my face. Anne Lamott calls laughter “carbonated holiness” and I agree wholeheartedly. I love to play with friends and I adore my quiet time and solitude. I love to write but am not quite comfortable calling myself a writer. I am on a journey. If you look closely throughout this site, you will find glimpses of me, along with my friends, family and places I love. It is a scary venture to share what comes from the heart, nevertheless, I am called to take the leap and share my words. I hope you will join me!

"lovely, kind and FREE!" photo by bill hughlett