Refusal of Silence

“Being a Silent Woman is not about being quiet and reticent, it’s about stifling our truth. Our real truth.” --Sue Monk Kidd, Dance of the Dissident Daughter.

A few days ago I wrote a post called “Simmering.” Many interpreted it, including myself, as a poem about anger—my anger. And, yes, of course that is true and yet it is not. For as I wrote those words I could envision a specific time and place, I could see the room, feel the tension in my young body, and witness the face of the one who was simmering. The words were about that face and that time and place AND the words were bigger than that with a parade of other faces, times and events being added along the way. They were not simply “simmering” faces. They were faces that attempted to "silence."

Ah, but the beauty is. This woman; that little girl; refuses to be silenced.

Last weekend I was drawn to create a collage using my own picture as the base. When I started, I envisioned layers of color ranging from dark to light with an emphasis more on the darkness that I felt had been surrounding me for several days. But as I worked, the darkness began to recede and colors of life and light arose. A lioness emerged with her power and courage. Jewels began to cover the page. The process was amazing, because even as I had selected dark rows of background, I found myself covering them with flowers and diamonds and kisses; with sweetness and bubbles and butterflies. Something very real emerged. Even in the midst of darkness, my true essence would not be silenced or stifled.

"Even in the midst of darkness, my true essence would not be silenced or stifled." I believe that is something truly worth pondering. How about you?

Apatheia or Apathy?

Yesterday Tess at Anchors and Masts wrote a post in response to my recent writings about “The Battle”--here and here. Her perspective caught me a bit off guard as she interpreted that I was speaking of internal battle. My recent experience, however, has felt more like one coming from outside of me rather than the inner battle with which I am quite familiar. (Her post gives a great picture of why and how we often choose to “backslide”…and I do believe it is a choice—conscious or not…so I highly recommend popping over there for a read.)

A very perceptive friend sent me these words which articulate well where I feel I have been recently:

“It sounds like you suffer from the classic case of ‘a threat to evil’ disease! It normally seems to come after a tremendously blessed event where souls are set free from ‘disease’ and you are involved in that healing process. It’s as though all their diseases ball up and pounce on You.!”

I have definitely felt “pounced upon”, so this leaves me wondering if
there is a difference between when we are standing in the gap or battling for others and/or trying to stand firm (i.e. not backslide) for ourselves?

And then there is this new question of “How much attention should we pay to evil?” Gerald May in his book Will and Spirit says: “when encountering an evil inclination or a questionable force, the most ideal form of spiritual assertiveness is: the best response is no response.” He goes on to mention the term apatheia which the Desert Fathers recommended to prevent showing fascination and undue self-importance to the “questionable force.” Apatheia is a term from Stoic philosophy that means something quite different and far more interesting than apathy (mental laziness). It is a conscious not-caring about things that are unworthy of concern.

So, how much concern toward evil is too much? I kind of like this idea of a “conscious not-caring”. It feels much stronger than denial or apathy.

For today, I think I will leave it at that for I have little more time or space to continue. Please understand, however, it’s not that I don’t care ☺. What do you think?

photo by h3images

Poetry Party

Broken things lie all around. Be sure to visit Christine's Invitation to Poetry @ Beauty of Broken Things.

Here is my contribution:

dark
broken
desperate…
still
i reach for the heavens

photo from Abbey of the Arts

I Do Not Know

A friend wrote me today and asked, "How are you?" At the moment the only response I had was "Aaaaaaarrghhhhhh" in true Peanuts-style. It made me smile, however, to know someone was thinking fondly of me. I have been wrestling lately between my calling and the price I feel like I pay for "seeing well." Wondering if this is the persecution Christ talks about. My work has been filled with amazing transformative
experiences that seem to be peppered from all sides with challenges and potential setbacks. It is enough to make me question if it is all worth it, but somehow quitting seems to be just what the enemy (whatever that means) would want me to do. And so, I dig my Lucy heels in and hold my ground while praying for sunlight, rest and wisdom.

I ran across this quote last night while reading Will and Spirit by Gerald G. May, M.D. He calls this the "fundamental contemplative statement concerning good, evil, and God:"

I DO NOT KNOW. I do not know what is ultimately good or evil, nor even what is real or unreal. But I do know that there is no way I can proceed upon my own personal resources. In this as in all things, I am utterly and irrevocably dependent upon a Power that I can in no way objectify. I call this Power God, and God is beyond my understanding, beyond good and evil, beyond doubt and trust, beyond even life and death. God's love and power and Spirit exist in me, through me, and in all creatures. But God is unimaginably BEYOND all this as well. I also know that in my heart I wish to do and be what God would desire of me. Therefore, in humility and fear, I give myself. I commit my soul to God, the One Almighty Creator, the Ultimate Source of reality. Good or bad, right or wrong, these things are beyond me. I love, but I do not know. I live and act and decide between this and that as best I can, but ultimately, I do not know. And thus I say, in the burning vibrancy of Your Love and Terror, THY WILL BE DONE.

Amen

photo taken on my morning walk today

The Battle continues...

While my recent posts have focused on the darker aspect (here and here), the reason there is a battle is because of two seemingly opposing sides. There is so much to consider and ponder in this world (an understatement, I know.)

In the midst of considering evil's role, there is still a place of light that shines through. The past two days have been filled with a rhythm of rest and restoration for me. The sun has been shining which always seems to help my clarity of mind...or at least my attitude about things. I have found joy in the simplest of things: cleaning my closet, taking my dog to the vet, restocking some groceries, watching a young squirrel in the fall leaves, seeing the turtles sunning themselves at Greenlake and best of all feeling the sun and wind on my skin while driving about in my little convertible with each of my family one at a time. The world has been bathed in a beautiful fall light, so I was not in the least surprised when I took this little quiz found at Abbey of the Arts and discovered that "I am the Sun."

Momentarily sitting in the Sun is a nice, warm place to be...especially when the rains threaten to return and the battle rages all around. More on that later...

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.